Thought 4

Check it out:
My mom was so troubled by my money situation a couple of nights ago that she got up out of bed and began to make a budget for me based on a $25,000 a year salary. Okay, if i'm making 25 k, that's $2,000/month, and if rent and utilities are $550 a month, which is possible, then my loan payments are $800 a month, that's $1350, minus 200-300/month for church, save/spend the rest... I can do it. I'm saving $200/month and still able to see a movie or go on a date or something.
I guess if you were my mom, you'd be thinking the same thing as her... and I guess she's not realling thinking much.... she's just more or less worried about my situation. I understand. I'm sure you would too if you knew where I stand financially.

All in all, though, I'm pretty sure I will be sucessful in LA. A job will open up at a Post house and all will be gravy from there. Maybe Birth Control will get optioned, or Josh will meet some people and ask me to be a part of his success.
The money things just doesn't scare me. Maybe I'm ignorant of what's going to happen, maybe I'll get a real big wake up call in LA, and I'll be all stressed and worried all the time about money.
Or maybe sucess waits for me in LA and I need to be able to see over all these obsticals right now so I'll be confident enough to go.
I'm really excited.

Thought 3

Does God want me to go to LA?

I don't know. If He wants me to go, then I'm just His pawn doing exactly what He wants. Or, I'm in direct disobedience by moving my life in this direction if He doesn't want me to go.
Tonight, Jeff brought up a little slogan that I'm not sure I buy at all, but it's worth digging into:
Master
Mate
Mission
The basic of this is to lay out a guideline for priorities in life. Master is God, then my wife (or future wife), and then my line of work. "Follow mate above mission because God can change your mission." I think this slogan or catch phrase kind of falls apart though when I try to apply it to my life. Ok, so I'm doing my mission by going to LA and finding a job in the film industry. Then I essentially break up with my girlfriend by moving to a different city. I'm putting mission above mate. What about all our conversations in May about her possibly wanting to be single, all my dealings with trying to make her feel pursued, all our lack of face time?
Jeff also said this: "It's a lot easier to steer when the ship is moving."
I'm obviously moving right now. I guess I'm just not sure that God wants me to go to LA. I think I'm sure, but there has been doubt raised in my mind.
As hard as it may be, I want to have open hands and an open heart as I come before God with this.

Back to what I said earlier, I don't think I'm God's pawn. I also don't think that God doesn't care about the situation at all. He knows me and knows what's best for me. Right now am I following my own ambitions, or something God knows is good for me?
Again, I hope and pray that my hands are open, and that I will listen.
I want to make my hand open, and my heart open. I want to let go of the promises I've made already and just come before God (this Wonderful, Awesome, Unfathomable being who is so much more than I understand right now, who knows me perfectly right now, and may or may not know what's going to happen to me in the next few weeks.) I trust Him and I love that I can.
Guide me, give me affirmation, and I will follow with all my heart, Lord.
Psalm 37:23-24
The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
And He delights in his way.
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
No, it's not every step that I take, God is like, "Oh, look at that, I'm going to bless him."
He's not that impersonal or ammused by me.
It's quite the opposite: I say, "Wow, it looks like God is moving there, I want to be a part of that." Yet, at the same time, He knows me perfectly. I don't really know what that means. I just don't want to get too big on myself here... God is so big and is doing so much everywhere, including in my life, that I can't reasonably say, "God, like, where should I go and stuff?" I think God says, "I am here. I am doing this."

I don't want to fall headlong in LA if I go. I want the Lord to be guiding me. To do that, I need to actually give this up and test it and pray about it. The boat is moving, now it's time to make sure it's being steered in the right direction.

Past : Future (Thought 2)

Saddness : Excitement

leaving my parents and grandparents:
not dating Sonja b/c we never lived in the same city:
my dear friends in Chicago:
a city i am comfortable in:
snow:
the less complicated life of sports and going to college:
visiting my lovely Kansas every three months:
9am basketball with my buddies:
rudy's pizza:

:a chance to do what I think I'm made to do

I was talking with Josh today and I said to him, "You know, it feels like the whole LA thing kinda happened to me... like I don't have much choice about it, but it fell in my lap and it was done right then." Josh compared it to maybe being like when we learn about God and what He's done for us... before you learn about it, it's pretty easy to deny it or live in partial/full ignorance of the grace and glory of God. Once you learn about it... man, what are you supposed to do? How can you turn that down?
I don't know if I'd put this on the same level as that, but maybe I would. Here is a choice that I can't turn down, that I won't turn down or let go, and I never want to, or feel like that not going is an option.
Why?
I can see what's behind me, the wake of my life. It's beautiful. The colors are beautiful in a subtle but really intricate way. I can't see what's in front of me, and I'm okay with that. The ship (the sea, the sky, each particle that keeps the boat even floating) is beyond me, bigger than me, and I love that.

Thought 1

Los Angeles has, for at least the past five or six years, been a dream of mine. I think I've rationalized not going to LA in different ways in the recent past. I've used excuses like it being too far away or too expensive. I've changed what I think is my life goal (making films) to editing TV commercials or working with small business, or joining a media team for a church. Those are good options in general. They are not my dream, however.
I remember after my softmore year at Columbia, I was visiting with my production I teacher before the start of the Fall '04 semester. She asked me what I wanted to do with my career (Production I is kind of a milestone... if you make it past that class and you still want to work on films, you are in good shape) and I answered that I wanted to edit Hollywood films. Bluntly, she asked, "Why aren't you in Hollywood?"
I couldn't answer that. If that was my dream, why wasn't I pursuing it?
I remember it scared me when I couldn't answer it... I didn't know why I was in Chicago.
I think a lot happened in Chicago that is essential to who I am now.
I also think the education I received and lessons learned from being in Chicago have affected me. Growth.
Now, it's time to move on. Chicago : Los Angeles

Los Angeles,

I hope to do a series of postings in the next few days describing what I'm feeling and thinking as I prepare to head off to LA in about a month.

Hold me to it if you'd like.
I think it would benefit me and, if you're interested, you.