Monday, February 23, 2009

The Cornea Heals

THE EYE

Today is my fourth week after surgery... and I must say I've been very impressed with how it's healed.



Almost all the swelling is gone and there is virtually no pain anymore. The only special treatments I maintain are using the steroid drop four times a day and the moisturizing drop about once an hour. If I rub it or graze it with my hand it does feel a little sensitive, but that's no big deal. I feel more comfortable showering (b/c I'm not worried about water or soap getting in there) and sleeping (because I no longer have to wear the eye cover). All in all, it's going very well. I see the doctor on March 5th, so I'll give an update as to what my vision is at that point. I'm guessing I'll be seeing around 20/40 or even 20/30.

JOB NEWS

My new vision will come in handy when I begin working a weekend job for MTV. My friend, Douglas Hunter(and here), offered me a night time position as an assistant editor (!) on Dogg After Dark. Assistant Editor. I'm pretty psyched. I'm not sure how I'll stay awake or how long into the night I'll actually have to work, but those unknowns don't syphon my eagerness to work. I'm hoping to log a few hours this week on an Avid (editing system) so I can walk onto the job as prepared as possible.

I'm not terribly excited about the content of the show (obviously it'd be cool if this was for "In Treatment"). It's not exactly a show that has mass appeal or (any?) artistic value. As an assistant editor, however, it wouldn't matter if I was working on Dogg After Dark or Lost... my job would be the same. I'm just excited for the opportunity.

-- More on Douglas Hunter --

Back in the summer of 2007, we met while I was getting a tour of the "In Treatment" post production facilities. My friend from Flyer (Jenny Towner) introduced me to both of the Post Production Supervisors, Douglas being one. We sat in his office and he asked me if I'd like to edit a short documentary he was directing. I jumped at the opportunity (mostly b/c he was a post soup for an HBO show) and began spending some free time on the project. Every few weeks Douglas would come by and we'd discuss the movie. It was a fun process, even if I was a little overwhelmed. I stopped working on the film at the very end of 2007 / beginning of 2008. Douglas edited it the rest of the way and produced a finished movie just a few months ago.

I went to a screening (the first in front of an audience) at an Episcopal church in Pasadena. There were probably 200 people there (as well as the priest who was featured in the film). The film was warmly received and I was even listed as the editor on the end credits. He did a great job of crafting a gentle yet thought-provoking story. Kudos to Douglas. If you are interested in the content of the film, please click on this link (to a front-page LA Times story).

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Cornea Transplant


On Monday, January 26 I received a cornea transplant. This is a record of my experience.

I was told to arrive at the UC-Irvine Health Center at 10am, so I arrived with Rachel (my girlfriend) at about 9:45. Rachel drove me and waited with me through the whole procedure. Shortly after checking in I was brought into the back room and asked to change into a hospital gown (above). I was given a gurney/bed to lay in and was told that I would be on this bed from now thru the end of the surgery. A nurse gave me an IV and took my blood pressure. After an anesthesiologist went over a few basic questions with me, Rachel was allowed to join me bedside. I was glad she was there because I had to wait for about 2 hours from that point. After a while, a nurse came over and confirmed my right eye was being operated on and took out a sharpie and put a big mark over my right eyebrow. I thought it was slightly comical that they used such primitive methods to maintain accuracy.

Every 20 minutes or so, a nurse would administer an anti-bacterial drop in my eye. I overheard several nurses and doctors talking about how the anesthesiologists' computer was malfunctioning in the surgical room. I knew this meant I'd have to wait a while longer than expected. Dr. Marjan Farid, my doctor (who was visibly pregnant... which was new to me), had taken another patient back for surgery shortly after I arrived in the back room. When she finally reappeared it was my turn for surgery.

She started to wheel my bed back for the first part of my surgery -- using a femtosecond LASER to cut my old cornea. For this part of the surgery, I would be given only local anesthetics to the eye. The other doctors and nurses I'd seen to this point had told me that the most important thing was to stay still while the LASER was cutting. I was a little nervous about this... especially when i was wheeled into the tiny room that housed the LASER. A resident started to put numbing drops in my eye and everything started to move a little fast for my comfort. The LASER looked like a sewing machine or an industrial sized food mixer -- of course with nothing but my head under the apparatus. Where the needle would come out of a sewing machine was a cone shaped device that was the LASER head. The resident in the room told me to open my eyes really wide. While this was happening, Dr. Farid explained to me that they were going to put a big plastic thing in my eye and that I would feel suction. The resident pulled my eye lids far apart and stuck what looked like a mini-sippy cup lid (with the sippy spout in the middle) in my eye. Dr. Farid said that I would feel suction as the resident attached a device that secured it to my eye... thru suction. My eye went black at that point and I was kinda glad.

I was getting a little tense at this point because I was fairly uncomfortable with what was going on. It didn't hurt yet but it was all just so foreign to me. After the vacuum noise stopped (the vacuum that suctioned the device to my eye), Dr. Farid said that now I was going to feel some pressure on my eye. She wheeled a few feet over to the LASER and centered me underneath it. The Head of the LASER fit into the sippy-cup opening and it attached securely. Dr. Farid again warned that I would feel pressure and told me to stay as still as possible. I could feel my whole body tensing up as I became very nervous.

After the LASER was attached to my sippy-cup, Dr. Farid lowered it down so that it started to put pressure on my eye. She kept lowering it and lowering it and explained that they needed to essentially make my eye flat so the LASER could cut a flat surface. My eye was numb but i could definitely feel the pressure. Soon, she was done lowering it and said they were starting the process now. She said it would only take a little over two minutes. I could again feel my whole body was very tense... I was tightening my back and my legs and my arms -- everything was very tense. Before I knew it, Dr. Farid said that I only had about a minute left. I felt sweaty and suddenly I could feel heat in my eye socket. It started to feel very warm and it was getting warmer. I started to panic a bit but didn't know what to do. Using my left eye I started to look around frantically. Before I knew it something started beeping and Dr. Farid said, "Oh God, he's lost suction." Something was beeping but I couldn't tell what. Dr. Farid raised the LASER off my face and wheeled me a few feet over so they could examine me.

I asked if everything was ok and she just told me that I lost suction. The resident and her quickly reapplied the sippy-cup to my eye and wheeled me back under the LASER. As they were lowering the LASER onto my eye I could again feel the pressure and the heat. I told her I was feeling heat and asked if that was normal. She said that we were almost done. The resident told me to be quiet and to lock my eyes on something and to not move. They finished lowing the LASER all the way down so it was pressing on my eye a lot and I could hear Dr. Farid telling the resident to resume the procedure, but no to restart. This time, she held my head with her hands and told me I only had about 20 seconds left. I realized that I had vision in my eye this time. It worried me but I just tried not to look through it. I felt really sweaty and tense and worried that I had messed everything up. I heard Dr. Farid say to the resident, "If we lost suction at this point we couldn't have restarted". She was relieved and I could tell it was almost done.

They raised the LASER up and were talking about how everything was still ok and they seemed relieved. They asked me why I lost suction and I said that I could feel lots of heat. Dr. Farid said she was very sorry that I felt anything and that everything had gone well. They moved me a few feet over (out from under the LASER) and took the sippy cup off my eye. I could still see out of the eye and that seemed a little strange to me. Dr. Farid explained that they only cut about 90% of the way so that I would be safe and clean as they transported me to the operating room. She wheeled my bed through a few doors and I ended up in the operating room. Once I was there I felt very comfortable. Everyone was in a good mood and the anesthesiologists were making lots of jokes with me. They said that soon I'd be on a beach holding a margarita b/c they were going to administer some nice general anesthetics.

So, they gave me a nice dose of drugs and the next thing I remember is waking at the tail end of the surgery. From the questions I asked, I know that the next thing they did after putting me under was to stick a giant needle under my eyeball and all they way back to the base of my eye -- where all the nerves live. Once the needle was back there, they injected a bunch of drugs to essentially deaden the eye for surgery. Apparently I was only put under for long enough to do the needle thing... but like I said, I don't remember anything else until much later. I assume that after deadening my eye, they finished cutting the cornea and then removed it. I assume then they placed the new cornea on my eye and began making a running suture all they was around the new tissue. I woke up sometime toward the end of this process and I could see faintly out of my right eye. I was still in the 'twilight' zone so I was alarmed or anything. But when I looked thru my right eye, I could see them essentially sewing on the cornea.

Then I remember everyone saying that I was done and that I did a great job. They wheeled me into the recovery room with my eye totally patched up. I could still use my left eye obviously. I asked the nurses if they could summon my girlfriend and eventually she made her way back to where I was. By the time Rachel arrived, I was almost normal again. The anesthetics had worn off for the most part. A nurse gave me a juice box and soon I was able to put on my clothes. Rachel pulled the car around and a nurse wheeled me downstairs (even tho I could have easily walked out on my own). I was told to lay down on an incline for the rest of the day except for when eating or using the bathroom. I was told not to do any exercise or lifting or even any bending over from the waist.

I felt extremely hungry so Rachel and I stopped at a Subway once back in Los Angeles and got some food. She would only let me eat half of my sandwich that afternoon... I wanted to eat the whole thing. I felt good thru the night and didn't have any pain until about 3am.

I had a follow up the next day back in Irvine (at the bottom of the map... the star in the middle is where I had surgery). Dr. Farid took off my patch and had a look. My eye was pretty much glued shut so she had to clean out my lashes for a bit. Once she got a look I took a little vision text and I was at 20/100. Before the surgery my vision in the eye was at 20/1000 or worse. She told me that it was healing up and everything looked fantastic. I could tell she was very pleased with her work. I was told to put prednizone (anti-rejection steroid) and zymar (anti-bacterial) drops in my eye four times a day and we made an appointment for the next week. She told me that in future appointments we may have to adjust the suture to compensate for any astigmatism that was developing. I could tell my eye was very swollen and that my eye lid was hanging very low. Dr. Farid said that was to help the healing process and that it would slowly go away. I left feeling ok but I couldn't tell much of a difference in my vision yet.

Over the next week I started to see small improvements in my vision. I was doing my drops four times a day and I only had to wear a patch at night so that I wouldn't roll over and sleep on the eye. I even went to work on Friday for a few hours.


On Superbowl Sunday I noticed a great improvement in my vision while watching the game. Everything seemed crisper and clean. My eye was still very light sensitive so I had to close my eyes and rest it every 30 minutes or so. On Sunday night as I went to sleep I noticed that my eye wasn't watering nearly as much while it was closed. I woke up on Monday morning and realized that my eye wasn't glued shut with tears and gunk. I went to work on Monday for a full day and really enjoyed being productive again.

My vision improved again on Tuesday and I really noticed it while reading a Bible Study I had just started. I realized that I wasn't having to squint to read. In the past, I'd have to squint to read any font smaller than 36 pt. I'd just read the book "The Kite Runner" before my surgery and I remember having a really sore face after reading a few chapters because of all the squinting. On Tuesday night I had been reading my Bible and Bible Study for over 30 minutes and didn't have to squint once. What a great joy!

I had my one week follow-up appointment with Dr. Farid on Wednesday February 4. My vision tested at 20/60 and Dr. Farid was again very impressed and prideful regarding my progress. I joked with her that I didn't believe my vision was 20/60... that seemed way too low! I was guessing it would be 20/30 based on how improved I feel my vision is. But of course I'll take 20/60 just a week after testing 20/100 (which was just a week after being 20/1000). Dr. Farid said that there was very little astigmatism in my eye (just 2 diopters) and that she didn't feel the need to adjust my sutures. She was again very prideful in her work and said she would be using my case to teach future surgeons.

I asked her what my procedure was called and that sparked an interesting conversation. She informed me that there are only about 10 other people in the USA that had the procedure I had. My procedure was called Deep Anterior Lamellar Keratoplasty (DALK). I found an Indian website that explains it well:

With advancement in corneal surgical techniques, it is now possible to selectively remove the anterior layers from the cornea and replace it with donor tissue to restore its anatomy and function. Deep anterior lamellar keratoplasty (DALK) is one such procedure wherein the host corneal endothelium is retained, and anterior corneal tissue is replaced with normal thickness donor tissue. As the host endothelium is retained there is no risk of rejection, and steroids have to be given only for a short duration of time. However DALK surgery requires more surgical expertise compared to the traditional full thickness keratoplasty, and hence performed by only well trained corneal surgeons all over the world.


So basically the top layer of cells in the cornea are the only cells that are damaged by keratoconus, while the back layer of cells remain perfectly healthy. With this procedure, the surgeon can remove only the bad cells and replace them with the donor cells.

In the more common methods of cornea transplants, both layers of cells are removed and replaced with donor tissue. This increases the risk of rejection because there is more foreign tissue introduced to the body. As quoted above, this old method is easier while the new method requires a very skilled surgeon. Apparently I had a very skilled surgeon in Dr. Farid.

I feel very privileged to have received the care I did. I had no idea my surgeon was using such unique technology or that I was such a rare case in the USA (One of about 10 people).

As I write this, my eye feels great. I haven't taken any tylenol since the weekend. The pain has subsided greatly and Rachel says my eye looks better and better every day.

I look forward to getting better vision every day. I also look forward to looking the mirror and seeing that the swelling and redness have gone away completely. But until then, I don't think I've even realized what great care I've benefited from. This is my reality so I don't know how much different it would have been with any other method. All I know is that my vision is already a miracle. I get emotional thinking about my vision getting better... but I know it almost undoubtedly will. Wow. This has been a complete blessing and I hope to see you soon and revel in your clarity and sharpness.

Just as an example, this is the best picture I could find that simulates what I used to see thru my right eye...

It was like this but worse... but this at least gives you an idea of what my vision used to be like. The parking signs are portrayed accurately, but the background would have been similarly distorted.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Killing Spiders


I fell asleep on the floor watching TV last night. I was really tired but for some reason I woke up and went to my room to play a computer game before bed. While playing, out of the corner of my eye, i saw something moving on the wall behind my monitor. I looked up and saw a medium sized spider making a dash for the floor down my wall. I gasped but knew I had to act quickly -- so I grabbed a nearby shoe and smashed the hell out of the spider. He was big enough that he left a nice smear of goo on my wall. It was me or him. I have no regret.

(I'm not sure it was a brown recluse spider like the one above, but i'd never seen one like it before and it's shape stood out in my mind -- so it could have been the dangerous one shown above)

In other unrelated news, I might be volunteering at an after-school organization called the Bresee Foundation. Adrian, who heads the ServeLA ministry, notified me that I could be of use in training kids how to make videos.
Here is a video link where Bresee is featured on CBS News.
http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=3927435n?source=search_video

Oh, and tonight is the season finale of Lost -- I can't waiiit. Maybe more on that later.

Cheers!

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Road

We can wish that everything was easy, counting all the ways that life's not fair.
Or say, "I'm not going down that easy. I'm not gonna' fall cause you're not here."

Through the wonder that is facebook.com, I've been contacted by several old classmates from high school and even as far back a elementary school. The most recent facebook reunion revealed that a guy from my grade school is now married. That got me thinking of a few things:

*a lot of my friends are currently married or planning on getting married.
Including my sister, who's been married now for almost 2 years, Four of my closest high school friends are married or engaged. That's four of seven.

*there was a time when (realistically or not) I thought marriage was in my near future
No regrets or ashamed feelings here, but it's interesting that the phase came and went without me ever realizing it.

*i miss being home
Maybe this is a Wonder Years moment, but I miss something about home -- whether it's the idealist world of being a kid (with no real worries) or the alluring scent of an easier life in a familiar setting (where every day ensures contact with numerous people who know me and love me).

I have nothing against my friends and my sister getting married. What makes me feel insecure is when I see them setting up their lives very close to their family. My good friend from high school live close enough that his entire family came to his recent house warming party. My though: How nice would it be to own a house and have all my family over to celebrate?

So that brings me to the song lyric from above -- from Juliana Theory called "We Make the Road by Walking".

We can wish that everything was easy, counting all the ways that life's not fair.
Or say, "I'm not going down that easy. I'm not gonna' fall cause you're not here."

I often find myself wishing everything were easy. I want to complain about how things aren't fair; about how I'd be happier if i didn't have student loan payments and pay Los Angeles rent and have bad eyes and a lemon car.
"I didn't have any of these problems back home", says the voice in my head. The voice continues to point out my lovely family and how they all love me and would spoil me if I were within close proximity.

So there are two parts of my internal struggle. 1. Things were better at home. 2. My family loves me (and would therefor make my life much easier if i lived close).

It's a tempting argument, but as the song affirms, I'm not going to give up on this road I'm making. In a battle cry of sorts, I'm not going down just because 'home'* isn't here with me.

*home being that longing for an easier life

Now, I don't really know where my road is going or if I'm doing a great job of making it. But without a shadow of a doubt, I can see God providing for the road so far. The voice may call me to go home but that's just because it's scared of where I'm going.

Friday, December 07, 2007

W.L. reflections

Recently I read a quote about famous western author Louis L'Amour on wikipedia.com, the online encyclopedia. As a young man, my grandfather associated with L'Amour in small town Oklahoma. Based on my grandfather, i think men from that era (the Great Depression) all grew up with a certain set of beliefs or attitudes. If this quote from wikipedia is true of L'Amour, it's certainly true of my grandfather:

Louis L'Amour was not only one of the West's best-selling storytellers; in many ways he typified the consummate Western man, proud of his accomplishments and shy in his remembrances. - "Looking Back: An Interview with Louis L'Amour" by Jean Henry-Mead

Setting foot in my grandparents living room, I first notice the bookshelves full of leather-bound L'Amour titles. I'm not sure if they own everything he's ever written or just his novels and short stories, but the collection is huge. Next I notice my grandfather's knack for storytelling. Still a master at old-school narrative jokes, he'll work his creations into normal conversation:

"You know a friend of mine had to take his wife to the doctor's office."

His audience replies as one would expect; not realizing this is the opening line of a joke. He carefully tells the tale as if recalling it from first hand memory -- never letting on he's reciting a simple story leading to a punch line. Usually the joke leads to light laughter from the audience and a welcome opportunity to change the subject of conversation. He craftily inserts his jokes at appropriate points in the ebb and flow of the room.

Talking to my grandfather in private, I've learned much about his life. He enlisted in the Marines to fight in World War II before he was 18. He served in the Pacific theater and presumably saw what war was like. Most of his stories related to his down time. He became a good swimmer and would often take off in the ocean, seeking adventure. He learned to play cards and would, in moderation, play with fellow soldiers. One time he found an abandoned jeep on the beach and claimed it as his own. He drove it around his island, again, seeking adventure. He completed high school while on a ship and returned home to North-Central Oklahoma ready to attend college.

while holding down a full-time job and with a new wife, he completed college in under four years with a 4.0 G.P.A.. He went on to work for Conoco Oil and became something similar to an accountant. Still in the reserves, he spent weekends training men for the Korean War and his weeks both working and raising two young daughters. At some point in time he and his wife learned to fly. By the time his third daughter was born, it became something of a family tradition to fly small aircraft. At some point in the late 1970's or early 1980's, my grandfather retired from Conoco and the Armed Forces.

That's about the same time I was born and started to interact with him. In that time, he's built his own aerobatic biplane, perfected his hunting skills, volunteered his time to various organizations, founded a church, developed a patent for a cross-bow cocking device and learned Spanish -- all while running four miles every morning before the crack of dawn. I'm sure I've only scratched the surface of what he's accomplished in his time -- I'm only basing this list on what i can remember of what he's personally told me.

This brings me back to the quote regarding L'Amour: proud of his accomplishments but shy in his remembrances. He's never revealed any of his accomplishments with any hint of self-indulgence or vanity. Even while leading a full life with many unique and grand experiences he's not allowed his relative success and accomplishments to distort the fact that he is simply a man. He doesn't view himself as any more important than other people. I think he's proud of what he's done but refuses to buy into the egocentric idea that he is better than others.

Perhaps a quote from L'Amour himself can indicate the attitude these men have --

When interviewed not long before his death, he was asked which among his legion of books had he liked best. His reply was, "I like them all. There's bits and pieces of books that I think are good. I never rework a book. I'd rather use what I've learned on the next one, and make it a little bit better. The worst of it is that I'm no longer a kid and I'm just now getting to be a good writer. Just now."

Friday, November 16, 2007

New Life

I loved working on the documentary...
I learned a lot about editing and what it takes to tackle a big project from an editing standpoint. Blood Equity also gave me flexibility to, among other things, start a side project (a short documentary shot on film), work on several projects through Mosaic (most recently "Apartment B" through Awaken Films), host one of my better friends (Cole) on his deciding journey to move to Los Angeles, and even start a new relationship (Rachel).
The flexibility may come back to hurt me around tax time (I was paid out of pocket with personal checks) and around the 1st of the month (apparently I drove a lot {see two separate car repairs totaling $1,600}, used my eyes a lot {see health costs to cover my eyes totaling over $2,300} and talked a lot {see cell phone overages of over $500}... it hurts sometimes to have daytime freedom).

Recently I landed a new job in the exciting world of commercial production. I work at Great Guns USA (they have offices all over the world). Each office represents a different group of directors and tries to get them work (directing tv commercials) based upon work they've already done. When Great Guns wants to submit a director for a job, they have two options for doing so: 1. Send a DVD of the specific director's work (a reel) or 2. email an online link where a possible client can view the work on a website. Both of those tasks involve me. I'm either making a dvd or posting spots on a website for someone to view... that's literally all i do. Well, not really, i have time to write this blog and eat lunch and all that good stuff... but the work is pretty consistantly constant. Right now I'm burning DVDs and exporting new spots for the website... each of those takes time, and during that time my computer it tied up from a processing standpoint. Thus, here i am.

But this new job brings me new life. Aside from being a legitimate job, there will be the possibility down the road for me to edit commercials and or edit 'director's cuts' of previously made commercials. A director's cut may take a 30 second spot and expand the story to 60 or 90 seconds. Usually they are very well done and would be a valuable asset to my own editor's reel. Commercial editing is essentially glorified short film editing. It is, for the most part, transferable to longer formats of editing... be it music videos, tv shows or feature films. For that reason alone, this job is cool.

But there's more: Produciton teams will often do preproduction for commercials here at our office (if they are headed by Great Guns directors, that is...) I've been able to mingle with production coordinators and production managers as well as directors. I also have free access to a stocked kitchen and free lunch at any restaurant of my choosing. It's a good job with some good people.

It's 5:30 and my job here is done. I'll update as necessary...

I hope all is well in your lives -- and i'm keeping Katie Schwyhart in my thoughts and prayers as she preps for some surgery.

-Collin

Monday, September 24, 2007

the Divine Conspiracy

These are exerpts of 'The Divine Conspiracy' by Dallas Willard. I've been rereading this book over the last few weeks and have found some points quite profound.

THE HUMAN SPIRIT
The spirit and the space most familiar to each one of us are contained in our own personality. The necessary path of understanding lies in reflecting on our own makeup.
I am a spiritual being who currently has a physical body. I occupy my body and its environs by my consciousness of it and by my capacity to will and to act with and through it. I occupy my body and its proximate space, but I am not localizable in it or around it. You cannot find me or any of my thoughts, feelings, or character traits in any part of my body. Even I cannot. If you wish to find me, the last thing you should do is open my body to take a look -- or even examine it closely with a microscope or other physical instruments.
... To be sure, the brain is a relatively more important and interesting piece of flesh, but nothing of intellect, creativity, or character is to be found in it.
That very unity of experiences that constitutes a human self cannot be located at any point in or around this body through which we live, not even in the brain. Yet I am present as agent or causal influence with and about my body and its features and movements. In turn, what my body undergoes and provides influences my life as a personal being. And through my body, principally through my face and gestures, or "body language," but also verbally, I can make myself present to others.
The human face, and especially the eyes, are not just additional physical objects in space. We say that the eyes are the windows of the soul, and there is much truth to it. They and the face and hands are areas in space where the spiritual reality of the person becomes present to others. There the inmost being of the individual pours forth, though of course the person is no more literally identical with the his or her face or eyes than with lungs or toenails or brain.
Interestingly, "growing up" is largely a matter of learning to hide our spirit behind our face, eyes, and language so that we can evade and manage others to achieve what we want and avoid what we fear. By contrast, the child's face is a constant epiphany because it doesn't yet know how to do this. It cannot manage its face. This is also true of adults in moments of great feeling -- which is one reason why feeling is both greatly treasured and greatly feared.
Those who have attained considerable spiritual stature are frequently noted for their "childlikeness." What this really means is that they do not use their face and body to hide their spiritual reality. In their body they are genuinely present to those around them. That is a great spiritual attainment or gift.
Now, roughly speaking, God relates to space as we do to our body. He occupies and overflows it but cannot be localized in it. Every point in it is accessible to his consciousness and will, and his manifest presence can be focused in any location as he sees fit. In the incarnation he focused his reality in a special way in the body of Jesus. This was so that we might be "enlightened by the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ" (2 Cor 4:6).
The traditional Christian understanding is that every physical object and every natural law is a manifestation of God's willing. This does not have to be taken in the sense that he is every second consciously choosing, for example, that this electron should be circling that neutron or that this pillar should be supporting that house. No doubt he could do that if he wished. But it is true in the same sense that the arrangement of the furniture in your apartment is a manifestation of your will. It is as you have provided for and want it to be, though you are not always thinking of that arrangement and "willing" it. It is also a continuing revelation of you to all who know you well.
(pg 75-76)
----------------------------------------
then, this next passage gets me... how can this be if we believe the above? If only we'd have a view of God like the above -- how much would that change us?
-----------------------------------------

THE HUMAN QUANDRY
Of course that destiny flatly contradicts the usual human outlook, or what "everyone knows" to be the case. I take this to be a considerable point in its favor. Our "lives of quiet desperation," in the familiar words of Thoreau, are imposed by hopelessness. We find our world to be one where we hardly count at all, where what we do makes little difference, and where what we really love is unattainable, or certainly is not secure. We become frantic or despairing.
In his book 'The Doors of Perception, Aldous Huxley remarks, "Most men and women lead lives at the worst so painful, at the best so monotonous, poor and limited that the urge to escape, the longing to transcend themselves if only for a few moments, is and has always been one of the principal appetites of the soul." They are relentlessly driven to seek, in H.G. Wells's phrase, "Doors in the Wall" that entombs them in life.
(pg 82)

If we could see past the pain and bordom if life, we may see that God is near. How profound.