You know how there are certain things in life that bring you a level of satisfaction? I'm talking about volunteering, caring, dedicating, giving, helping, supporting, protecting, nursing, and loving. Each of these things help us feel alive -- not necessarily at the time of doing them, but afterwards, when we realize what we've done. (Let's call these activities Category 1)
Then there are certain things that refresh us: laughing, hugging, kissing, sleeping, smiling, resting, relaxing, dreaming, and eating. These activities feel good while doing them and give us relief from the labor we do with our bodies and souls. (Let's call all these Category 2)
Lastly, there is a third category that is mostly destructive: lusting, abusing, lying, cheating, killing, mocking, and hoarding. (Category 3)
It seems that to have a satisfactory life, there needs to be a balance of activities in Category 1 and 2. If I could spend my time doing just these things, I'd be very happy and productive
for myself and my community. I know this to be true both from what I have experienced and read in the Bible. Yet my life is far from true happiness and productivity. It's like my instincts don't trust that Category 1 and 2 will satisfy me. There are times when I get lonely or frustrated or depressed. So I turn to the activities that embody getting what I want now on my own efforts. (As in, "I'm tired of always getting blamed for mistakes at my office. Next time someone asks me what went wrong, I'm going to blame someone else.") At times like these, I'd rather lie then take the consequences of making a mistake.
Category 3 slowly kills you and me. These acts are in direct contrast to how our souls were meant to be expressed. And category 3 is the worst kind of death because you'll never know it's killing you until it's too late. These selfish acts scrape against the grain of our souls. We know when we've done something wrong but sometimes we've justified the act because it gives us instant pleasure or satisfaction. There are times when I know what I'm about to do is wrong. But I often blow through the knowledge I've gained in favor of instant gratification. These acts feel great at the time... the highs are high and satisfaction soars. But as soon as you have time to reflect you know something went wrong. Often you can't identify what it was... just that you feel a little guilty or bad. That feeling is our soul as it grieves a small part of itself dying. We get so used to the feeling that we don't give it much thought. Our soul is spiritual, not physical -- we can get by and feel normal even as small parts of our souls die.
Our soul does not scream for itself when injured. It knows it can be healed quickly if only it could be part of something BIG -- something when souls connect thru eyes and hearts and touch. It quietly waits for healing as new wounds appear and old ones scab. Your soul will not tell you it is dying. You will get to the end of your life and realize acts from my so-called "Category 3" littered your LIFE. Life is the expression of soul. What type of life will you live with a dying soul never given a chance to heal?
God knows we need healing. God knows our souls are dying and our lives wasted. God knows the first thing our souls need to start healing is hope. God gives us hope by forgiving us for (by and large) misusing our lives and damaging our souls that HE GAVE us. Our souls were meant to be spent (lived) in the realm of Categories 1 and 2. Can we stop returning to that which kills us? Can we return instead to that which satisfies and sustains us? Can we return enough that our souls can start to heal?
Hope so
-C
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday, April 07, 2007
ending
This is some part of a story that i just wrote to kinda personify how I feel about some things right now... It's a fictional situation where I've betrayed someone... I just felt like writing it down...
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I couldn't bear to see the look on his face -- but even more, I couldn't bear the pain in my heart -- knowing that I'd betrayed my best friend. This has happened before and I vowed, I swore, I'd never let it happen again. It wasn't even the look on his face... it was that I could sense his vast disappointment and maybe God's disappointment in me. I wanted to run from it all.
I had a similar experience when I broke my wrist. I was sledding and I couldn't stop in time to avoid going head first into a tree. I got my hands up just in time to brace for the impact... and I remember getting up and just screaming at the top of my lungs -- the pain was unbelievable. I wanted to run so bad -- just run away from the pain. But the pain was inside of me: I couldn't get away.
So I just stood in the parking lot with my best friend. Seconds passed like kidney stones. I finally had to walk away. It was kind of poetic because he just stood there in this beam of light from a street lamp as I vanished into darkness. I turned around to look back a couple of times and he didn't move. What could I say to him?
The next day at school I passed him in the hall. He looked down as we crossed paths. That hurt me the most -- I knew then that he wasn't going to tell anyone. He was going to let me get away with it. If you get busted for doing something wrong, at least you can say you paid the price. But if someone lets you get away with it, you either feel really lucky or really bad. At the time I felt bad, but not bad enough to stop.
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-C
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I couldn't bear to see the look on his face -- but even more, I couldn't bear the pain in my heart -- knowing that I'd betrayed my best friend. This has happened before and I vowed, I swore, I'd never let it happen again. It wasn't even the look on his face... it was that I could sense his vast disappointment and maybe God's disappointment in me. I wanted to run from it all.
I had a similar experience when I broke my wrist. I was sledding and I couldn't stop in time to avoid going head first into a tree. I got my hands up just in time to brace for the impact... and I remember getting up and just screaming at the top of my lungs -- the pain was unbelievable. I wanted to run so bad -- just run away from the pain. But the pain was inside of me: I couldn't get away.
So I just stood in the parking lot with my best friend. Seconds passed like kidney stones. I finally had to walk away. It was kind of poetic because he just stood there in this beam of light from a street lamp as I vanished into darkness. I turned around to look back a couple of times and he didn't move. What could I say to him?
The next day at school I passed him in the hall. He looked down as we crossed paths. That hurt me the most -- I knew then that he wasn't going to tell anyone. He was going to let me get away with it. If you get busted for doing something wrong, at least you can say you paid the price. But if someone lets you get away with it, you either feel really lucky or really bad. At the time I felt bad, but not bad enough to stop.
-----------------------------------------------------------
-C
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Proximity
Paraphrasing -- (as told by Erwin McManus)
I was walking in the jungles of El Salvador when I was a little kid. I was walking with my brother, Alex, and my aunt and uncle. We didn't get to go out exploring much on our own so this occasion was a real treat. The jungle was full of great mystery and excitement.
One time when I was out with my grandfather, we saw a large iguana crossing the street. My grandfather got out of the car and was going to try and kill the iguana. He said it was a great delicacy. Now see, I'm a beef and chicken kind of guy -- I like 'handsome' meat. This iguana looked like a dragon -- not very appetizing. But my grandfather drew his knife/machete and walked closer to it. When he got too close, the iguana ran off into the jungle. I was rooting for the iguana.
Anyways, on this one occasion with my aunt and uncle we were walking on this road near the jungle. And then suddenly, off in the distance I saw this terrifying monster. His red eyes were staring me down and I just knew he was going to devour me. Have you ever been in a moment where you are truly scared? I was only 7 or 8 at the time, so I was just paralyzed with fear. I literally could not move. Finally, I turned around and looked up to my uncle and managed to reach out to him with both arms. He picked me up and just wrapped his arms around me. Suddenly I felt safe. Looking back on it now, I realize that the monster could have easily just devoured the two of us, but you know, as a little kid, I felt secure and safe.
So, I turned to see my brother, Alex, was still down there. And man, he was paralyzed with fear, too. He turned to my uncle first. He yelled for uncle to pick him up, but he said he was already holding me and he couldn't hold both of us. Then he turned to my aunt. Now you have to understand that my aunt was a really terrific woman -- skinny -- but terrific. But she wasn't very much help in this situation. She leaned over to pick up Alex and tried several times, but she just couldn't pick him up.
So Alex panicked. He started just running off into the jungle: probably the worst thing he could have done. He should have run behind uncle's legs or something... just to get some sort of protection. At the time I loved the fact that he ran -- it diverted the monster away from us and onto Alex.
I think it's kind of like that with God. There are these moments of crisis in our lives -- these moments where we are stricken with fear. And in those moments, it's all about proximity. If you're close to God you will turn to Him and he will save you. But, if you're not close to him, you may run away from the one who wants to save you.
Now, since coming to the states, I've done some research into these monsters... they seem to be called 'basset hounds'... you know, with those enormous ears and beady eyes. I don't' think my brother ever saw the monster... just felt it nipping at his butt... what a sight!
-----------------------------
Just take the story for what it's worth... I love it. He's not saying God only has enough to hold some of us while leaving others out to dry... The point is that if we're close to God then in times of crisis we will turn to him, just as we do during other times in our lives. If we are not close to God, then we will not know where to turn in that moment.
What does 'turn to God' mean? Good question. I don't really know for sure. I think it is a general term that can mean different things to different people. For me, it means to pray to God and admit that I don't have control over a situation, and, in fact, I need to trust that God will deliver me from the bad situation or let me experience it for some greater good, or that I may not know the meaning of the situation for a long time. The praying helps me gain a godly point of view on the situation and therefore, deal with it.
Anyhoo, it was a good church service.
www.mosaic.org - my church website
http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Cravings-Erwin-Raphael-McManus/dp/0785214941/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-3777313-1651234?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1175484120&sr=8-1
-- link to Amazon to get Erwin's book, Soul Cravings. It's pretty cheap... I want to pick it up, too.
Peace
-Collin
-Erwin talking at the Vertas Forum at Columbia University in NY
I was walking in the jungles of El Salvador when I was a little kid. I was walking with my brother, Alex, and my aunt and uncle. We didn't get to go out exploring much on our own so this occasion was a real treat. The jungle was full of great mystery and excitement.
One time when I was out with my grandfather, we saw a large iguana crossing the street. My grandfather got out of the car and was going to try and kill the iguana. He said it was a great delicacy. Now see, I'm a beef and chicken kind of guy -- I like 'handsome' meat. This iguana looked like a dragon -- not very appetizing. But my grandfather drew his knife/machete and walked closer to it. When he got too close, the iguana ran off into the jungle. I was rooting for the iguana.
Anyways, on this one occasion with my aunt and uncle we were walking on this road near the jungle. And then suddenly, off in the distance I saw this terrifying monster. His red eyes were staring me down and I just knew he was going to devour me. Have you ever been in a moment where you are truly scared? I was only 7 or 8 at the time, so I was just paralyzed with fear. I literally could not move. Finally, I turned around and looked up to my uncle and managed to reach out to him with both arms. He picked me up and just wrapped his arms around me. Suddenly I felt safe. Looking back on it now, I realize that the monster could have easily just devoured the two of us, but you know, as a little kid, I felt secure and safe.
So, I turned to see my brother, Alex, was still down there. And man, he was paralyzed with fear, too. He turned to my uncle first. He yelled for uncle to pick him up, but he said he was already holding me and he couldn't hold both of us. Then he turned to my aunt. Now you have to understand that my aunt was a really terrific woman -- skinny -- but terrific. But she wasn't very much help in this situation. She leaned over to pick up Alex and tried several times, but she just couldn't pick him up.
So Alex panicked. He started just running off into the jungle: probably the worst thing he could have done. He should have run behind uncle's legs or something... just to get some sort of protection. At the time I loved the fact that he ran -- it diverted the monster away from us and onto Alex.
I think it's kind of like that with God. There are these moments of crisis in our lives -- these moments where we are stricken with fear. And in those moments, it's all about proximity. If you're close to God you will turn to Him and he will save you. But, if you're not close to him, you may run away from the one who wants to save you.
Now, since coming to the states, I've done some research into these monsters... they seem to be called 'basset hounds'... you know, with those enormous ears and beady eyes. I don't' think my brother ever saw the monster... just felt it nipping at his butt... what a sight!
-----------------------------
Just take the story for what it's worth... I love it. He's not saying God only has enough to hold some of us while leaving others out to dry... The point is that if we're close to God then in times of crisis we will turn to him, just as we do during other times in our lives. If we are not close to God, then we will not know where to turn in that moment.
What does 'turn to God' mean? Good question. I don't really know for sure. I think it is a general term that can mean different things to different people. For me, it means to pray to God and admit that I don't have control over a situation, and, in fact, I need to trust that God will deliver me from the bad situation or let me experience it for some greater good, or that I may not know the meaning of the situation for a long time. The praying helps me gain a godly point of view on the situation and therefore, deal with it.
Anyhoo, it was a good church service.
www.mosaic.org - my church website
http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Cravings-Erwin-Raphael-McManus/dp/0785214941/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-3777313-1651234?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1175484120&sr=8-1
-- link to Amazon to get Erwin's book, Soul Cravings. It's pretty cheap... I want to pick it up, too.
Peace
-Collin
-Erwin talking at the Vertas Forum at Columbia University in NY
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