ambiguous truth

"the truth is..."

"i believe..."

In reading about the poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko, I was reminded of something I believe (maybe some people would say, "I was reminded of a truth."): The truth is really ambiguous these days! You may recall that Litvinenko was poisoned with Polonium 210 several months ago in the UK. At first, officials didn't know what was wrong with the man -- they soon discovered he came into contact with lethal doses of the radioactive element. Many other people in and around London also came into contact with the element; thankfully nobody else suffered the horrendous death Litvinenko suffered. UK officials were able to discover 'a trail of radiation' through London and have since charged a Russian man with murder (although Russia will not extradite him).

Here are Litvinenko's (husband and father of a 12 year old son) last words:

"May God forgive you for what you have done, not only to me, but to beloved Russia and its people." (Speaking to Russian President Putin)

The man who is accused of this incomprehensible murder denies any involvement! And I quote:

"I did not kill Litvinenko, have nothing to do with his death and can prove (it) with facts(.) (I have) my distrust of the so-called evidence collected by Britain's justice system." (parentheses added, obviously something didn't translate correctly between Russian and English)

A whole country (UK) investigated this crime and through 'facts' and 'evidence' have accused a man. The accused claims he can refute evidence collect by Britain with facts of his own.

In other words, Britain has a set of facts that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, prove a certain man killed Litvinenko. This certain man has his own set of facts that he feels proves his lack of involvement.

POINT:
Who is telling the truth? Both have facts and evidence on their side.

I think it comes down to what you believe. Do you believe the accused killed Litvinenko? Do you believe the accused is innocent? I tend to side with Britain, our allies, on the matter -- but that has nothing to do with facts -- just beliefs. Would I feel the same way if I was Russian and didn't view Britain as an ally?

To expand, I know of several people who have been sentenced to punishment for crimes they did not commit. We have all heard of men accused of rape and sentenced to prison time accordingly, who are later cleared due to DNA evidence. I imagine in their trials, they had evidence and facts to prove their innocence -- as did the prosecution to prove otherwise. It came down to what the jury believed. Question: Who had the 'more convincing facts'? Should facts have to be convincing?

The BIGGER QUESTION: Is it bad to base beliefs on facts?
Follow-up: Is the answer as black and white as 'yes' or 'no'?

-------------------------------------------------------

Just for my own sake, I'm going to expand on this a bit:

If i were to answer 'yes', as in , "Yes, it is bad to base beliefs on facts", what would I, then, say beliefs should be based on? Emotions? Intuition? Popular Opinion?

If I were to answer 'no', as in, "No, it is not bad to base beliefs on facts", how do I account for facts that can prove people both innocent and guilty of crimes? It seems if you have a belief, you can find facts to support it.

I still believe that beliefs are important to have. I'm confused, however, on how to support my beliefs when they are questioned (ie, encounter beleifs in opposition to my own).

Boo-Ya Ka Sha, Respect and Love

-Collin

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/05/22/uk.spy/index.html

Season Anew

A new season beckons inside
or
Opportunity allures me

I pray all the good inside of me can be expressed through work; my work. I pray I would stop running from rejection and failure; face it. I pray for the end of pushing away and the beginning of welcoming in. Indeed, giving rather than receiving.

For those in my life, my realm, who are on the verge of a new season: May God bless your transition -- may you bless God with smiles of both mouth and soul. You have never been alone. Hope does not disappoint.


God Bless You

-C

return to that which kills

You know how there are certain things in life that bring you a level of satisfaction? I'm talking about volunteering, caring, dedicating, giving, helping, supporting, protecting, nursing, and loving. Each of these things help us feel alive -- not necessarily at the time of doing them, but afterwards, when we realize what we've done. (Let's call these activities Category 1)

Then there are certain things that refresh us: laughing, hugging, kissing, sleeping, smiling, resting, relaxing, dreaming, and eating. These activities feel good while doing them and give us relief from the labor we do with our bodies and souls. (Let's call all these Category 2)

Lastly, there is a third category that is mostly destructive: lusting, abusing, lying, cheating, killing, mocking, and hoarding. (Category 3)

It seems that to have a satisfactory life, there needs to be a balance of activities in Category 1 and 2. If I could spend my time doing just these things, I'd be very happy and productive
for myself and my community. I know this to be true both from what I have experienced and read in the Bible. Yet my life is far from true happiness and productivity. It's like my instincts don't trust that Category 1 and 2 will satisfy me. There are times when I get lonely or frustrated or depressed. So I turn to the activities that embody getting what I want now on my own efforts. (As in, "I'm tired of always getting blamed for mistakes at my office. Next time someone asks me what went wrong, I'm going to blame someone else.") At times like these, I'd rather lie then take the consequences of making a mistake.

Category 3 slowly kills you and me. These acts are in direct contrast to how our souls were meant to be expressed. And category 3 is the worst kind of death because you'll never know it's killing you until it's too late. These selfish acts scrape against the grain of our souls. We know when we've done something wrong but sometimes we've justified the act because it gives us instant pleasure or satisfaction. There are times when I know what I'm about to do is wrong. But I often blow through the knowledge I've gained in favor of instant gratification. These acts feel great at the time... the highs are high and satisfaction soars. But as soon as you have time to reflect you know something went wrong. Often you can't identify what it was... just that you feel a little guilty or bad. That feeling is our soul as it grieves a small part of itself dying. We get so used to the feeling that we don't give it much thought. Our soul is spiritual, not physical -- we can get by and feel normal even as small parts of our souls die.

Our soul does not scream for itself when injured. It knows it can be healed quickly if only it could be part of something BIG -- something when souls connect thru eyes and hearts and touch. It quietly waits for healing as new wounds appear and old ones scab. Your soul will not tell you it is dying. You will get to the end of your life and realize acts from my so-called "Category 3" littered your LIFE. Life is the expression of soul. What type of life will you live with a dying soul never given a chance to heal?

God knows we need healing. God knows our souls are dying and our lives wasted. God knows the first thing our souls need to start healing is hope. God gives us hope by forgiving us for (by and large) misusing our lives and damaging our souls that HE GAVE us. Our souls were meant to be spent (lived) in the realm of Categories 1 and 2. Can we stop returning to that which kills us? Can we return instead to that which satisfies and sustains us? Can we return enough that our souls can start to heal?

Hope so

-C

ending

This is some part of a story that i just wrote to kinda personify how I feel about some things right now... It's a fictional situation where I've betrayed someone... I just felt like writing it down...

----------------------------------------------
I couldn't bear to see the look on his face -- but even more, I couldn't bear the pain in my heart -- knowing that I'd betrayed my best friend. This has happened before and I vowed, I swore, I'd never let it happen again. It wasn't even the look on his face... it was that I could sense his vast disappointment and maybe God's disappointment in me. I wanted to run from it all.

I had a similar experience when I broke my wrist. I was sledding and I couldn't stop in time to avoid going head first into a tree. I got my hands up just in time to brace for the impact... and I remember getting up and just screaming at the top of my lungs -- the pain was unbelievable. I wanted to run so bad -- just run away from the pain. But the pain was inside of me: I couldn't get away.

So I just stood in the parking lot with my best friend. Seconds passed like kidney stones. I finally had to walk away. It was kind of poetic because he just stood there in this beam of light from a street lamp as I vanished into darkness. I turned around to look back a couple of times and he didn't move. What could I say to him?

The next day at school I passed him in the hall. He looked down as we crossed paths. That hurt me the most -- I knew then that he wasn't going to tell anyone. He was going to let me get away with it. If you get busted for doing something wrong, at least you can say you paid the price. But if someone lets you get away with it, you either feel really lucky or really bad. At the time I felt bad, but not bad enough to stop.
-----------------------------------------------------------

-C

Proximity

Paraphrasing -- (as told by Erwin McManus)

I was walking in the jungles of El Salvador when I was a little kid. I was walking with my brother, Alex, and my aunt and uncle. We didn't get to go out exploring much on our own so this occasion was a real treat. The jungle was full of great mystery and excitement.

One time when I was out with my grandfather, we saw a large iguana crossing the street. My grandfather got out of the car and was going to try and kill the iguana. He said it was a great delicacy. Now see, I'm a beef and chicken kind of guy -- I like 'handsome' meat. This iguana looked like a dragon -- not very appetizing. But my grandfather drew his knife/machete and walked closer to it. When he got too close, the iguana ran off into the jungle. I was rooting for the iguana.

Anyways, on this one occasion with my aunt and uncle we were walking on this road near the jungle. And then suddenly, off in the distance I saw this terrifying monster. His red eyes were staring me down and I just knew he was going to devour me. Have you ever been in a moment where you are truly scared? I was only 7 or 8 at the time, so I was just paralyzed with fear. I literally could not move. Finally, I turned around and looked up to my uncle and managed to reach out to him with both arms. He picked me up and just wrapped his arms around me. Suddenly I felt safe. Looking back on it now, I realize that the monster could have easily just devoured the two of us, but you know, as a little kid, I felt secure and safe.

So, I turned to see my brother, Alex, was still down there. And man, he was paralyzed with fear, too. He turned to my uncle first. He yelled for uncle to pick him up, but he said he was already holding me and he couldn't hold both of us. Then he turned to my aunt. Now you have to understand that my aunt was a really terrific woman -- skinny -- but terrific. But she wasn't very much help in this situation. She leaned over to pick up Alex and tried several times, but she just couldn't pick him up.

So Alex panicked. He started just running off into the jungle: probably the worst thing he could have done. He should have run behind uncle's legs or something... just to get some sort of protection. At the time I loved the fact that he ran -- it diverted the monster away from us and onto Alex.

I think it's kind of like that with God. There are these moments of crisis in our lives -- these moments where we are stricken with fear. And in those moments, it's all about proximity. If you're close to God you will turn to Him and he will save you. But, if you're not close to him, you may run away from the one who wants to save you.

Now, since coming to the states, I've done some research into these monsters... they seem to be called 'basset hounds'... you know, with those enormous ears and beady eyes. I don't' think my brother ever saw the monster... just felt it nipping at his butt... what a sight!

-----------------------------

Just take the story for what it's worth... I love it. He's not saying God only has enough to hold some of us while leaving others out to dry... The point is that if we're close to God then in times of crisis we will turn to him, just as we do during other times in our lives. If we are not close to God, then we will not know where to turn in that moment.

What does 'turn to God' mean? Good question. I don't really know for sure. I think it is a general term that can mean different things to different people. For me, it means to pray to God and admit that I don't have control over a situation, and, in fact, I need to trust that God will deliver me from the bad situation or let me experience it for some greater good, or that I may not know the meaning of the situation for a long time. The praying helps me gain a godly point of view on the situation and therefore, deal with it.

Anyhoo, it was a good church service.
www.mosaic.org - my church website
http://www.amazon.com/Soul-Cravings-Erwin-Raphael-McManus/dp/0785214941/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-3777313-1651234?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1175484120&sr=8-1
-- link to Amazon to get Erwin's book, Soul Cravings. It's pretty cheap... I want to pick it up, too.

Peace
-Collin



-Erwin talking at the Vertas Forum at Columbia University in NY

the assistant editor

My prize is getting to assistant editor:

Right now there aren't any opportunities to get there... but that is what I want.
Felix told me that the AEs on shows he's worked on make $200/day (or $60 more than I make right now). I'm sure pay is comparable in films.

But it's not just the money...

It's the chance to move up, take the next step, and learn more about editing. It's about me being ready to take the next level of responsibility.

As I look at this ambition, I want to start setting goals: Let's lay it out.

I'd like to be an assistant editor by: Jan 1, 2008.
1st Preference: TV or Film
2nd Preference: Commercial House (Whitehouse for example)
3rd Preference: Stay at Flyer
4th Preference: In-house dub room at Studio
5th Preference: Another larger trailer house

Anyhoo... there it is. I may start sending out my resume to places like Whitehouse again this summer. This is helpful to motivate me along the way... especially during those tough days.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk. Hello Elite 8 against my newtown bros UCLA. My heart is not in question, btw. I'm madly in love with KU. No doubt.

-C

days like these...

It's days like these...

I worked a 12 hour day, a 13 hour day, and a 14.5 hour day... back to back to back. Plus I finished a video for church.
Following my 14 hour day, I came to work to get yelled at b/c I made an error the previous day. A bunch of stuff happened over the last few days that made me want to cry or scream or break something. Somehow (by grace) I made it through the week alive and without seriously injuring someone.

I don't like my job at times. I hate that I'm marginalized and compromised by work. I constantly consider how little money I'm being paid (factoring in the cost of living). With work at ti's most stressful, I contemplate finding a new job. With people at their worst (including myself) I want to isolate myself from the world -- maybe that would prevent the anger and frustration of dealing with others.

But then I see a glimmer of what may be. I see a ray of light. I see the possibility of being part of something larger than myself. I see working with others for creative good instead of administrative bull. I see the fusion of art and business as it walks a fine line between chaos and confinment. I see Felix's show or my 300 spot and I see that there is escape from beaurocratic political entrapment. I see being involved in a project to the extent that a-holes and d-bags don't get to me.

When Josh and I were working on Birth Control, the whole crew came together and sacrificed for the good of the project. Maybe money corrupts the beauty of art and collaboration... But when I see these glimmers of hope, I get excited about the industry again. I get excited by Felix's show because I beleive he's found a story that hasn't been told... a story that is interesting.

It's days like these last few that I have to hold on to these glimmers. I have to beleive that God is teaching me something at my current position. Without the perspective on reality, the stress really gets to me.

This Business

I sit down and try to write but I instantly become bored with myself. I've tried to write blogs the last two weeks and I ultimatly get bored and quit them before publishing.
I'm bored because I need to write stories, not bland recaps of my recent history.

Barry, with a big, thick Boston accent and Irish-Catholic temperment, refuses to digress as he explains his theory on cutting a television spot (which is subsequently relalated to, in Barry's mind, everything else in life) in 'this business', as he says.

"In this business, copy is the fastest way to make a niche for yourself. You can make a lot of money if you can write this shit that goes in these spots. Not everyone can do that, you know? But that's not how it was when I was your age, Collin. No shit! Seriously! I'm not kidding! I came into this business as a P.A. and you know what happened to me?"

(I've heard this story or some varient of it at least three times)

"I was making $6 an hour, alright? Mutha fuckin' nothing. This was back in the 80's mind you, but still nothing. I had to work overtime just so I could get a free mutha fuckin' meal from work. You understand? I couldn't afford a meal on my own. I needed overtime to survive. And I decided that I was gonna teach myself editing."
"Now," (big smile) "this is before the days of this digital shit. Aight? Fuckin' reel to reel. Fuckin' big ass clunky tapes and shit. But listen, Collin, I'd come in on the weekend. I didn't have friends, ok? I just moved here from the East, ok? I made friends at work and all that, but I was going to teach myself editing. I'd go to the store and pick up a six pack and come in to the office and teach myself. Ok?"

(digress? Hardly!)


"One Monday I come in and my boss says to me, 'I heard you came in over the weekend.' He made me show him what I did. I didn't really want to. I said, 'No, that's okay. It's not worth showing'. But he made me show it to him. Then he made me a junior editor. Just like that! I went from $6 an hour to $15, which, you know, isn't a lot, but it fuckin' doubled what I was makin! And that's how I got started! Now, that couldn't happen nowadays. Back then this business was way different."

(slight pause as Barry rubs his face, thinking of a metaphor)


"Collin, it's like, if you think of the NBA back in the 50's... you know, little jump shots, layups, no shot clock, no 3 point line, and you put that next to the NBA now." (pause for dramatic effect) "THAT's how different this business is now from when I got started."

(I laugh at the thought of old NBA players playing LeBron and Kobe. Barry didn't know what I was laughing at tho...)

"No, it's true! It's the mutha fuckin' truth! It's like the NBA back in the 50's compared to the NBA now. That's how different it is."

(I assure him that his comparison is correct)

"It's like now, there's all these kids that are the heads of the studios now. They were under me when I was in my prime. It'd be like you under Mayhew or Shawn now. And now I'm workin' for them! They're the heads of maaaarketing at New Line, Paramount, Fox... everywhere. I know more than them, and yet I'm working for them! Can you beleive that? They have absolutely no idea what they're doing. I've been thru it. I know what I'm doing. You're telling me that when these guys have a bum project that they're gonna know what to do with it? No. They're not. They're gonna be my boss with a bum project and they're gonna be telling me what to do with it. Collin, do you understand what I'm saying? That'd be like me walking up to Barry Bonds and being, "Let me show you how to hit a homerun." Collin! He's about ready to break the homerun record! It drives me fuckin' nuts that these kids are now trying to tell me what to do! I've finished 47 trailers. Nobody else has finished 47 trailers. You add up everyone in this house and they don't add up to 47."

(Barry was an editor before he recently became a producer)

"Anyways, Collin."

(digression?)

"You gotta have strong copy. You gotta watch a movie and tell the story on paaapa. You gotta say, '300 must fight against a million...', that's not good copy, but you know what i'm sayin'? You gotta tell the story on paaaapa. That's your foundation. I try to build a house without that foundation, and it all come crumbling down. But, Collin, if I have that foundation, that story on paaaapa, my house will stand."

(maybe)

"And Collin, I want to see some of this in your spot."

(he pounds on his chest with his fist)

"I really want to see some of this in your spot. If there's not any of this in your spot, what's gonna separate you from all these other schmucks? Lemme tell ya, I've worked at all the different houses, alright? I was workin at a house and this guy from this other house gives me a call. He says, "Barry, I saw one of your trailas the other day." Now, I hadn't talked to him in years. Ok? He could tell it was my traila. He says, 'I just knew it was your traila." That was the best compliment anyone could give me. You know?"

(I nod)


"Anyways, just put some of this into your spot. I really want to see what you're made of. Let's say you put in the line (in my 300 spot), 'Everyone is held accountable for the words of his voice' because your dad said something like that to you when you were a kid. That's you. Put that in there. Build that foundation, though, Collin. Put that foundation in there."

(I nod)

"I've said this to all the young kids who come in here... You wanna sit and wait for your chance? Fine. It might take 5 years. Yout gotta come in and do it on your own time. You gotta learn what you can on your own time. And Collin, if you don't want to do this, then get out. Go get coffee at a production house. Do what you did here but do it where you want to be. You don't want to do this and then in 10 yeeeas be that guy who's saying, 'Barry, I don't want to cut trailers.' What? Are you gonna go get coffee at production house? You gonna take that pay cut with your wife and kids? So Collin, I don't know what you want to do, but if you don't want to cut trailers, then go do what you want. I just don't want you to be stuck in here in ten yeeas."

"I've got some stuff to do. Do you wanna leave together tonight?"

(a digression)

One time, Bryan had to go leave to get his car from a car shop across the street. When he left, Barry was talking to me. When he came back, Barry was talking to me. That's just how it is. I love it, though.

He can talk.

me?

I tied my shoes tight. I was proud of my Nike shoes. Damn they were cool! I was wearing my cool shorts and a cool looney toons t-shirt. I felt good about myself. I grabbed my baseball glove and bat -- I had this really cool bat that my grandma got me at Wal-Mart. Mom drove me to the 4-H fairgrounds where the tryouts were. During the drive, I fitted on my leather batting glove really tight. I didn't really know if it helped me, but I knew that my favorite baseball players wore a glove on their follow-thru hand.... so I wore one, too.
I was so cool that day. My mom knew it, I knew it.... it's just everyone at the tryouts didn't know it. I climbed out of the front seat and was ready to make a splash. The coach split the guys up so that half were in the field and the other half were batting. I got field duty first (which was just a chance to show off my mad range and throwing arm). The kid next to me looked a little different than me; he had on a baseball jersey, and cleats, and a baseball hat, and he was taller than me...
Whatever, so what? Ok, so one kid was better than me... no big deal. The batter hit a pop fly to me at shortstop but it was way too high for me to catch... I mean, with the wind and all, how could anyone catch it?
Coach called for everyone to switch up so I ran over to my bat and then over to the group of guys behind home plate. On my way, a kid pointed out to me that my bat was actually a softball bat, not a baseball bat. "Oh." I said. "I didn't know there was a difference." As I looked at all the kids waiting in line to bat I noticed all of them had cleats and jerseys and BASEBALL bats. Wow, so quite a few kids were better than me. It was ok though because I was going to show off my mad hitting skills.
When it was finally my turn, however, the coach threw me a bunch of bad pitches... and he threw them really hard. I swung and missed at the first few and then stopped swinging all together when kids started laughing at me. It hit me then that almost all of the kids were better than me -- not only naturally, but they had better gear and better training.
I had to fight back tears the rest of the tryout.
When mom finally picked me up, I told her everything went well. She was probably the only person who still thought I was good.
I didn't make the team. Travis Ball made the team... I was way better than Travis Ball. Whatever. I was only 11.
----------------------------

I have this same feeling in life now... the feeling where you realize you're kinda out of your league. It's humiliating. Luckily it now happens more in a private setting because I don't have as many acquaintances or friends as I did as an 11 year old.
I've still got my batting glove, my dysfunctional bat, my nike shoes.
Other people have natural talent, a 2 oz aluminum alloy baseball bat, and cleats.
It's deflating.

Holden

Holden Caulfield - I was talking with Josh about him last night (he's the protagonist from Catcher in the Rye). The reason the book is so interesting to me is that 200 pages are just Holden talking about stupid things -- mostly stupid things, that is. Every once in a while, you get a sense that Holden is really brilliant for his age. For Example: Writing the paper for his roommate about a baseball mit his (Holden's) deceased brother had written poetry on. For Example: His admiring Mr. Antolini for picking up and carrying a dead kid when nobody else would even go near. It's like the first 200 pages (roughly) are Holden trying to explain his thoughts on life. Then the last 80 (roughly) pages, Holden tells us about interactions with his sister and Mr. Antolini. It's in these interactions that we discover Holden for who he is and the potential he holds. Mr. Antolini's big piece of advice was this: Many men contribute to the world due to a natural gift of intelligence, wisdom, knowledge etc. But pair any one of those gifts with an education, and that same man has potential to do much more good. Why? First, education in this context means, in Holden's case, applying himself in school so he can take advantage of opportunities to attend the best schools in the country. The process of his education forces him to cross paths with brilliant minds who are able to communicate at a high level. They would be directly teaching him 'subjects' while indirectly and somewhat directly teaching him how to better communicate his ideas. Mr. Antolini wants Holden to get an education not for Holden's own benefit, but for the benefit of the world -- so Holden can share his unique point of view effectively and efficiently with the world.
I love the book! Holden's one desire is to be a Catcher in the Rye... brilliant. I could go on... and probably should to make this a complete thought, but it's all in my head... and it would take me another 3 hours to really finish this thought.
Bottom Line: The book speaks to me about: Seeking education as a means to better communicate my gifts and wisdom and feelings to the world, for the world's benefit, not mine.

The Big Kahuna -- gotta watch this movie again.

Jason Jaggard -- what an interesting guy... hope I can meet him.

Sunshine, LBD, Music

The idea that you can trust Christ and not intend to obey him is an illusion generated by the prevalence of an unbelieving "Christian culture." In fact, you can no more trust Jesus and not intend to obey him than you could trust your doctor or your auto mechanic and not intend to follow their advice. If you don't intend to follow their advice, you simply don't trust them.
-Dallas Willard


Who needs coffee when I've got Dallas Willard to read in the morning? Whew! I do agree with Dallas.

Sunshine: I miss playing in it, basking in it, sweating in it, walking in it, driving in it, talking in it, sitting in it, standing in it, drinking (water) in it, and being obnoxious in it. If only I didn't have a job... now I only see sunlight through the windows... sad.

This weekend is going to be great, however. For all my sulking about not getting outside enough, I'm really excited about the weekend. Four Word Summary: Beach, Food, Clue, LizzieBirthDay. What else could you ask for? Maybe a little bit of nice weather on Saturday... but that's about it.

For some reason, bands that I wasn't all that interested in 6 months ago are getting back into my head. The greatest example of this is Mae. They went from being off my charts (indifferent) to the top of my list in the last couple of months. Now, I just watch a video of Mutemath on Jimmy Kimmel, and all the sudden, I'm really diggin' them. Right around the same tiime I was first being introduced to Mae, Mutemath was there, and suffered a similar fate as Mae... Rather I suffered through life with out them... that's more appropriate. They are stinking amazing! I'll get that link up here. It's awesome.

www.mutemath.com

Peace.

Collin

Recover

me: It's like once every 30 days I'll feel like being creative, like writing. Then, I'll sit down and do it. Pretty soon I get frustrated because it's just not coming out right. Then, I end up quitting. It takes me so long to recover that the feeling doesn't come back for 30 days.
What is it with being creative?
What is it with having a creative job? (are most jobs 'creative jobs'?)

For whatever reason, I feel like listing out my fondest memories associated with my friends from back home:

Katie Schwyhart: We met in marching band. She was a sophmore and I a junior, and she had a conjoined (but unrelated) twin named Sam. I don't really know how we hit it off, but we did and ever since we've been hanging out together. My fondest memory is coming back from Juneau, Alaska, eating at the P, hanging out at Laura's house, playing spoons... just catching up. Katie and her parents supported me richly on that mission trip, so it made it extra special to come home and get to share stories right away. Other memories: playing baseball at clinton lake together with Justin; bowling; our last hang out at Mass St. Deli before I went off to LA; Katie coming to Chicago, then to Cole's house for Thanksgiving in May. Katie coming to Chicago for Christy Nichols (we all know it was to hang with me...) and then getting Thai food.

Justin Davis: We also met through marching band as sophmores. He quickly introduced me to Nick Ryan and Mike Powell. The four of us took Japanese together our junior years... it was a joke... I don't know if any of us learned anything... poor Holt sensai. (pssssssssssttt.) We drove to Vail with Matt Lawrence for spring break '06. That was awesome b/c of the hookup in the Mariott at the base of the mountains, and b/c of the snowboarding. My favorite memory is when we were driving to his house after school and the whole "shi... I mean shiiiiit." incident. Also, the burpage down Mass St. It was also fun catching up over spring break '05 when he returned from Paris and we drove back to KS together. He was the star of my first digital movie for media class... the movie that won the film festival in high school. He's one of those guys that I'll never speak to for like 3 months, and when we talk again, we catch up in an instant. Good friend, and I think had a role in me turning my life around and starting to follow God (mostly because of his example as we lived life together through high school). We also drove to Ft. Benning, GA to see Nick graduate from boot camp... good times. Oct. 11, 2001 - Alien Ant Farm at the Granasty... awesome. Justin's b-day, our favorite band at the time, and a small crowd = surfing, and general rocking out.

Nick Ryan: Great guy... so full of passion and vigor (case in point: driving back from Ft. Benning, Nick sat the whole time in the passing lane, never getting over. When questioned about his slow speed and other people being forced to pass in the right lane, Nick said, "That's their problem, not mine"... not funny to me then, but histerical now). Nick likes to disagree, but will occasionally be a softy. I love to hang out with him because he's such a change of pace from normal, boring people. My favorite memory with nick is getting lunch together every day during Mr. Wells 'writing for college bound' class. We'd run to BK or Subway and run back to school scarfing down our 2000 calorie meals. He had a big yellow van (not mini van, but van) when I first met him and we'd go driving around Lawrence and Nick would drive through grassy knolls and over curbs and didn't care b/c it was a crappy old van. Later, he got the usagi. I love hanging out with Nick. Also had a blast at the aforementioned 10/11/01 rock concert.

Josh Spradlin: Favorite memory -- wrestling in his basement for no real reason after school... and nobody would win, but we'd carry on forever... really wierd. I met Josh when I transferred to Prairie Park elementry in 5th grade. He took care of me (literally) when I had my 9 month long leg surgery in 6th grade. Every day from 5th grade on, I'd go to his house after school and play video games... a tradition we still hold. We also make a great basketball team (against Kiel and Dennis). We tend to have an esp going on the court. As I think back, I think I made fun of Josh a lot as we went through junior high and high school together... something I regret. Josh has a soft spot for pussy (cats) named Ava (that's an inside joke). I remember going to Royals games with Josh and cheering for Chili Davis together. I also remember him taking me to many a KU basketball games. Josh had a stellar line in my movie titled "attack of the grocery store" (which was essentially a huge inside joke based off my first music video and based off of all my friends working with me in the movie). His line was "Moma done call me..." and I can't remember the name, but it was hilarious... probably the only special effect we planned going in to the shoot... we slowed down his voice in post production so it was super slow motion... it was awesome. It only took him five or six takes to keep a straight face.

Dennis Mersmann: My friend since 1st grade... my longest lasting friendship... ever. He's the guy out of all my friends who did everything first... girls, smoking, drinking, etc. He was probably way too cool for me and my other friends, but somehow he still chose to hang with us. There are so many memories that I can't even begin to list them... My favorite was driving in my car around the outskirts of Lawrence and talking, all night. He'd listen and listen, and he'd give advice and he'd relate to me... and that was super special to me. He perfected the 'let's turn down the music, but not turn it off while we're talking' saying. He introduced me to weezer and cake way before I was ready for it. Dennis also got me interested in the arts... he was a naturally gifted artist (probably straight from the womb), and he'd have the classicly cluttered desk all through grade school, but he'd also have lots of neat drawings. He always wore birkenstocks way before they were cool. We watched the NBA finals when it was Michael Jordan and the Bulls vs. Karl Malone, John Stockton and the Jazz. For some reason, we rooted for the Jazz. Recenlty, I've enjoyed drinking beer with Dennis, catching up, and playing mad basketball. We, too, made a pretty good basketball team (me and dennis vs. josh and kiel... ) I also loved playing Mario Tennis with dennis, and being on his team for Madden games. We also went to a Get Up Kids concert in KC together... awsome stuff.

Kiel: I would hang out at kiel's house every day after jr. high school. We'd stay up late and play each other in half life (because his family was cool and were the first one's i knew that had cable internet and cd burners... remember when those weren't common?) I remember going to the Sunflower Music fest with Kiel in Jr. High. We went with his dad and their Brazillian exchange student. I got so sunburned and didn't get to see Everclear, but did see Incubus, and Reel Big Fish... got their autograph. Kiel's funniest line was the whole "What would they call the sequal to 'Gone in 60 Seconds?" line... I was laughing on the floor in the middle of Hastings... and all the way out the door, and into my drivers seat, and through a red light at the next stop light. I guess he really didn't mean to be funny, but he was. My fav. moments with Kiel include our talks over eating food, our awesome games of pool in his basement, the awesome 4th of July parties on his block, going to the huge apartment fire that one 4th. We met through Ryan Nairn in 8th grade... lot of fun ensued. I really admire Kiel for getting engaged and for doing nursing school -- doing what he wants to do.

Camron Flanders -- we met senior year of high school through my soon to be future girlfriend, Sonja. We were all slated to go to prom together, and Camron invited me to his house to hang out before hand. We clicked and like to drive around making fun of people, listening to 50 Cent's 'in the club' before it was popular, and play half life together. Favorite memories include going to Dillons on 6th late at night and having a histerical convo about hydrogenated fats in Oreo cookies, and Camron coming to Chicago to discuss, among other things, Meghan and Annie. It was cool to hang out with a guy much cooler than myself. Camron was cool -- he introduced me to Apple Computers. I've been in love ever since. Camron had the first iPod I'd seen. He also now has the coolest car I've ever seen - a VW VR6 -- it's his baby. And although the girls don't always work out, Cam does date the coolest girls ever... including Lindsey (sorry if I misspelled) right now. I hope they work out. I know some of his coolness must of rubbed off on me at some point along the way. He introduced me to Ben Turner, who is an amazingly witty man.

Sonja Fleischauer: We dated for a long time... she's a really cool girl. Fav. memories include Myrtle Beach (although I must think of only the good things, not the overwhelming high number of bad things that happened on that trip), going to Purdue numerous times, and of course the millions of awesome and brilliant and intimate conversations we had over the years. I met Sonja through working at Hy-Vee in high school. I liked her a long time before we started dating. Sonja was there when I started to follow God (by the grace of God). We loved watching movies together, and sharing our poetry and all that gooey boy-girl stuff. A really cool girl... glad I got to spend some life with her.

Kyle Fowler: I loved hanging out with Kyle. He was tall, atheletic, and a very humble guy. I wish I had more to say... I regret not spending more time with him.

Well, that was fun. I wish I could say more, and say what I already said better, but I'm tired, and my carpel tunnel is kicking in. Merry Christmas.

-C

Jobbing

Issue: The famous rapper (insert name) said it best when he said 'Mo money, mo problems.' I'm already thinking about how I'm going to spend money I'm not close to earning yet. I want: a new car, a better sound system in the new car, a phone/pda with internet, to eat out, HDTV, a Playstation 3, cable television, and on and on. Technically, I'm in the lowest pay bracket I'll ever be in my life, and already I can't find enough ways to spend money. What happens when I actually have money to spend?

Conversation with Josh:
What is money good for? I mean, if I make more money, then I just buy nicer things than what I already have, right? Even if I have millions of dollars, it can't buy me security. Money still exists outside of real security (ie. peace of mind and heart). So, what's the point of getting money? (we like questions)

Conclusions:
1.) Money is good for making things... not buying produced things, but for buying raw things to produce something yourself or with other people. This stuff is called ART. You don't need money to create, but you can creat more complex art with more money (sometimes... obviously this does not apply to hollywood blockbuster films or anything).

2.) Money is good for giving away. Even though it can't buy anyone else real security or happiness, it can temporarily help with other needs.

People can have all kinds of money, and the next day, sometimes literally, it's gone. Other people never have money their whole lives, and are no better or worse off.

All this being said, I still want money. I still want my HDTV and my nice sound system. God help me.

Mae. Check them out! I've been in love with them the last week or so. Great songs, lyrics, melodies... ugh. Good.

I'm going to bust open soon about this whole church discussion Josh and I had a while back... well, have been having for the last 5 months. Later, though.

Eyes open. Ears aware. Mouth ready to talk. You know where to find me.
-C

Fozzle Tov

News Flash:
Collin Pittier just won a million dollars. He intends to spend his money on a lifetime supply of those moist little muffins he had at work last week and on one new pair of shoes. If he has any money left over, the Associated Press reports, he'll give it all to his friend Dennis Mersmann so he can continue to write poetry, be a deskie, and make Collin laugh.

---------------------------------------------------------

Here I am, a little ashamed b/c I've not sent my dad's x-mas present yet... and he's not going to get it for a long while... probably like 3 or 4 weeks (he's in Kuwait right now). I feel bad, and I hope he forgives me... I'm sure he will, I just feel bad about the situation.

I went to a preschool's Christmas play tonight... really a blast. All the little kids were awesome. The event started off with each little kid coming in to the room representing a different country of the world. My favorite was the little German kid... I told Lizzie about it afterwards and she told me that his name is Colin Friend. I have a natural gravitation towards kids with my name i guess. Anyway, he was dressed up in classic German attire... I don't know what the outfit is called, but he was cute with his blonde hair and overalls. I don't necessarily want kids of my own right now or anything, but it dawned on me the incredible responsibility and joy it must be to raise a child. I remember back in 5th grade my class went down to the kindergarten class and was assigned a kid to show around the library... part of some program to have kids help other kids. I was only in 5th grade, but it was great to have responsibility of my boy - Evan -- also small with blonde hair (and I think Evan was my alternate name if my sister had been a boy). Kids, out of nature, have to rely on their parents. And parents have to invest in their children, or else the kids get even more messed than normal. On some level, I guess that appeals to me out of my desire to be needed by someone... you know, that natural high you get from helping someone out, or filling a need someone asks you to fill. Bottom line: kids are a blast to watch and enjoy.

What is life but a chance to pass along blessings to others, ease the burdens of others, and enjoy the company of others? Merry Christmas.

The East Side

I want to talk about 'moving on up / to the east side' but all I can really think about is the impact of the Lord's prayer on my life. I've been praying it almost every day, and trying to think of it during work. What amazing words, and what an amazing God... and I know He hears.

Prayer is not some action I do as a christian... not anymore.

I've been thinking about the way Dallas Willard translates the opening line of the Lord's prayer:

"Father, always near."

What a powerful address! Not, "Father way up in the clouds." or "Father way up in some heaven.". Rather, "Father of the heavens", including right here where you and I reside. The traditional translation of this address is "Our Father who art in heaven." Of course my view of God is changing, but my older view of God took that traditional address and pictured God far away. And along with that, I viewed my requests to God as items to be dropped in a postal bin and received by God in a few days. And beyond that, I thought that my prayers would be 'answered' only if it was already part of God's original plan... so my prayer was necessary to prove that I did believe God was up there, but not relavant to what would transpire in the heavens (here, there, everywhere). 'Father, always near." gives me the original intention of the traditional translation, "Our Father who art in heaven."

When I pray to God, he is aware of it just as a parent is aware of a request from a child. He hears me. As I speak or write or concentrate, He hears me. 'Father, always near' addresses our God appropriatly. It has been one of the most humbling phrases I've involved in my life in a while.

I have been promoted at work. Now, when you address me, please call me 'Collin 'on dubs' Pittier' b/c I be rollin' in the dub room. I have responsiblity and an opprotunity to use my brain to problem solve, multitask, and orgainze... and what I'm putting all this energy towards is editing. What I do plays a vital role in editors at my company being able to edit. I feel so much more a part of what happens at Flyer. Stress can be high, but I enjoy it... knowing that my work has meaning.

Have a wonderful December. I look forward to seeing my friends and family here in a little less than two weeks! My ears and eyes are always open.

Much Love
-Collin

Working Hard, So Hard

Let's face the facts: I've been working for two months, now. I'm no longer a little boy, an infant of this world, a 'vaccum cleaner' if you will (will you?). Now, instead of taking in and never giving anything back (except a dirty bag of dirt every year or so), I am producing. I guess the transition isn't quite so complete... I still rely on other people to live... especially on Firth Lutheran for my housing. (quick shout out for those lovely people, who, frankly, allow me to be ALIVE in LA) Holla, First.
It's amazing that I have a job and can say that I've been working hard. I enjoy knowing that I will never know how it all worked out to this point. What a great mystery! I come to Los Angeles with no money, student debt looming, and not much experience. I took a step, and, AMEN, my steps have somehow been made firm by God. Ah, that makes me feel so close to God... that close interwoven interaction of the most real kind. How delightful!

So, I have some items to report, not out of obligation, but out of talkativness.
1. I'm attempting to create a new position for myself at my office. I want to be the 'vault coordinator'. That job includes organizing and catalouging all the media Flyer currently has sitting in an oversized closet (media meaning all the tapes and DVDs from current and past projects). There are probably over a 1000 tapes in this closet... and they are loosley organized by project... but organized in giant tubs with other projects. I feel it's a little ambitious b/c I have to do some research and write up a proposal about how I want to organize it, any expenses, and why the company should support me in this endevour. It's fun, and I'm excited about the chance to move up the food chain ever so slightly.

2. I'm really excited to be going home for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I love LA. But I really miss my friends and family... like today I talked with my buddies back in KS. They were all hanging out playing video games and having a good time. Man, I wanted to be there so bad. I wanted to talk about sports and college and friends getting married. Also, I want to be home with my family where hugs are in order and I can be around people I truly admire and love.

3. Josh Salzberg and I are in the beginning phases of a new script... a feature this time. I'm diggin it. We're all but finished, on our end of things, on Birth Control. Just need to get color correction and a sound mix. It's exciting. I'd love to shoot the story idea by you when we get it a little more hammered out. I think it's a gonna be a good'n.

That's that. I'll tell you more about Mosaic a little later. That's my new church -- well, not officially yet, but I'm liking it a bunch so far. Check out mosaic.org. You'll not be disappointed.

I wish all of you the best. If you need anything, please, please, please, please call me and let me know. You've got to start asking to start receiving.

-Peace Out!
--__~~ - C - ~~__--

Divine

I just ate at good stuff... had a california wrap with a banana smoothie and french fries... yummy. California wrap has turkey, bacon, avacado, lettuse, tomatoe, on a spinach tortilla. So good. And, the smoothie is no juice stop, but it's darn good.
Earlier today, I was reading Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard, and I came to an unexpected section where Willard begins to discuss, in detail, some of what Jesus said at the 'Sermon on the Mount'. He was talking about the 'old law' compared to the Kingdom Law (the new era of life that Jesus proclaimed while on earth). For example, he discussed the old law of 'do not kill'. The heart of this is, of course, anger, if indulged, can lead to bad, evil, destructive things. This way of looking at 'do not kill' is the Kingdom Law. He talked a lot about anger and how it works in us, and how it leads to contempt, and how contempt refuels anger, and then, it can lead to malice towards another person.
The whole section really brought a lot of my life to mind... rather made my actions more clear to me. I realized that I've often indulged anger, and I have held contempt and even malice toward other people. It was a powerful chapter to point out many reasons why I get angry the way I do, and point out how our culture embraces anger.
I'm glad I read the chapter and better understand Jesus' sermon on the mount. I highly recommend the book if you want to better understand the sermon, and Jesus' ministry.

-C

Hope?

Who will I be?
What will I be?
I feel like my slate is pretty clean right now; I'm in such a new environment that my patterns haven't shown themselves yet. I don't feel real good about some stuff in my life, but I think having that tension is good. And, when I say stuff in my life, I don't mean behavioral, I mean actual, physical problems in my life... i.e. my car being junk (as of now), not getting paid a whole lot, not really having fellowship, feeling lonely etc. Of course, some of those things I can change, some I can't. Beyond that, I can fill these holes in my life with good things or bad things. Beyond THAT, I probably will make wrong decisions that will need to be changed later on.
When I stop to look at who I am right now, I can't answer. Am I a hard worker? Do I feel passionate about my job? Am I having faith in God as my car seems to get crappier and crappier by the day (slight exageration)? Am I using this seemingly slight valley in my life to lean on God (or on myself)?
I guess right now, I'm saying to myself, "It'll all work out, right?" As in, "God will make my life happy and comfortable, right?" I'm kinda realizing that what God wants is for His Glorious Kingdom to be advanced, for it to come to earth. I can certainly be trying my best to do that regardless of my personal situation. Will my life get 'better' any time soon? I hope so, but my life doesn't have to be going great for me to help advance God's kingdom.
I do have lots of blessings in my life right now. My housing is free and awesome; I have a car that runs, I'm not hungry, I have a job, I like my coworkers, my job is in the film industry, I got my job within three weeks of moving to LA, my family has been very supportive, etc.
It's really just since money came into play (when I purchased my car) that I've started realizing some sourness in my mouth. And that situation does suck, but my life certainly isn't over. Larger picture: I have a bizzillion chances a day to extend God's love to other people, and if I'm in a bad mood about little things, how many MORE of those will I miss?

Ok, here are some things I miss about KS:
1. the light traffic... I thought it was bad on 23rd street on Fridays... it takes me at least a half an hour, usually almost an hour, to get home from work... my office is literally 3 miles from my house.
2. knowing where things are... I don't really know how to get anywhere except by mapquest.
3. being able to drive at high rates of speed on highways at all times of day... again, the traffice causes a lot of stress. I was on a run today on a street called La Brea, and I seriously got stuck at every stop light for about 4 miles... took me 30 min to go 4 miles... and I attribute most of the slowness to the heavy traffic.
4. my friends and family... what an awesome network of support and encouragement they are... and I only get to communicate with them every so often out here in LA, 2 hours behind you all... so sad.

Ok, well, I hope to find out who I am in the coming months. I hope I'm a humble, hard worker who enjoys making people laugh. We'll see what I really am.
-C

Working Life

This is where I work. They edit movie trailers. Maybe you've seen some of their work: Miami Vice, 9/11, All the TV spots for X-Men 3, and many many others. I've been here for one week as of today. Pretty much I get to drive my car around Los Angeles to different movie studios (Fox, Paramount, MGM) and deliver DVDs or tapes of the newest cuts Flyer has made. My job is good, and they buy me lunch every day, and I get to eat breakfast here b/c I get to open the office. But, the 'working' life isn't exactly what I thought it would be:

First, it seems that after my 8 hours of work, I get to come home and do one thing: On Monday, I took a bike ride, Tuesday, I picked up my car from the dealer. Wednesday, I saw a movie. Of course, I get to eat dinner and relax a little, but for the most part, I only get to do one thing after work. That's not quite what I expected.

Second, I get stressed easy. Yesterday, I was at MGM, and I parked in a garage, and as I was trying to leave, the parking attendant was trying to make me pay. He wouldn't buy my story that I was a delivery guy. Well, anyways, I had to go to an ATM and get money, but of course, I forgot my pin number, so I had no way to get cash. I found myself cursing all over the place b/c I was so frustrated. This has also happened as I'm driving my car and it suddenly decides to pop out of gear into some middle ground of 'in gear' and nuetral and starts grinding. I find myself cursing... and seriously enraged. i need to work on this.

Third, As soon as I took the job at Flyer (which is a great job), I was called by Lionsgate Entertainment to come in for an interview as their office intern. Lionsgate has made a lot of great films and that's the kind of place I'd love to end up working. But, that would probably be some sort of a dead end job, and it wouldn't have benefits after 90 days llke Flyer does. But, what surprised me was that as soon as I committed to a job, another one comes up that I'd love to have. I just have to hope that I made the right choice. And I also have to make sure I don't lose sight of my goal (to edit feature films). That can be easy to do if I'm comfortable (after benefits kicks in, I will be more comfortable). I don't really want to end up cutting movie trailers. But, how hard will it be to change jobs if I stay here for the next five, six years and end up being a trailer editor? It may be hard to change and give up my cushy job.

Anyhoo, I guess things are going well on many fronts, but not on the spiritual front. I find myself not comfortable there. I see my failings and the love that I still receive from God. I want to serve people iny community, but I also want to be selfish with my time and not give up any more evenings or weekends that I already am.

Anyhoo, Life is really exciting out here. Every once in a while, I get to relax and smell the coffee. I say, "Hey, I'm in LA, I have a job, and God is my light." Plus the scenery is beautiful with palm trees everywhere, winding Hollywood Hills roads, and a movie star here and there. I'm pretty blessed.
-Collin

Jobs

So, today has been interesting.

First, let me give some context. I moved to Los Angeles on Monday (after actually running out of gas in Utah due to lack of gas stations for a 200 mile stretch (with no signs)). I had two interviews on Wednesday: 1 at a small management company called Management 101. I really loved the guy who conducted my interview... he's really cool. Then I went on to visit Whitehouse Post. There, I had a good time and chatted with some cool producers.

Whitehouse told me to call them if I had anything come up elsewhere. So, sure enough, later that afternoon, I get a call from Jay at Management 101.
Jay-"Hey Collin, I've got some great news!"
Me - "What's up?"
Jay- "I'm offering you the internship!"
Me - "Wow, that's great, I have a few questions about some stuff..."

I had to tell him that I had another option on the table from Whitehouse... although that was mostly wishful thinking. But now I certainly had a job offer (an unpaid, full time, four month internship). So, I told Jay that I had to figure some stuff out with a Post House before I could give him an answer.

Next, I called up Whitehouse (while Josh and I were stuck in rush hour traffic in Santa Monica) and told them I had an offer. They politely told me they'd call me back in the morning. Cool. So, I wait. And wait.
Nothing happens.

Finally as Josh and I are trying to prepare a budget, my phone rings. Whitehouse wants me to come in for an interview with the Executive Producer and one of the Partners.
Instantly, I'm thinking they're going to hire me. I'm going to chat with them for a while, give them affirmation they're making the right decision, then they'll shake my hand and say "Welcome to the company!" and then they'll introduce me to everyone.

All that happened, except for the stuff including and after the hand shake. I just chatted with them for 35 minutes, and then left. A litle crushing, but I'm grateful for the opportunity. I hope they'll call back soon.

In the mean time, I've already declined the management company offer. I just have a feeling that Whitehouse will work out.

And that brings me to something else. While I was in Turkey, just before I wrote my e-mail to Jen at Whitehouse Chicago, I had this feeling in my chest that everything would work out with Whitehouse. It was this extreme peace and satisfaction. Was God promising me a position at Whitehouse? My first response was no b/c Jen replied to my e-mail by saying they didn't have anything for me.
I was crushed. And that little bit of a downer carried all the way over until I got the phone call this afternoon for the real interview with the EP an Partner. God promised that's I'd get a job at Whitehouse, i think, and that promise has carried all through my ups and downs, my faith in that promise and my rejection of that promise. Right now, I'm on an up, a high. I feel that when they call back next, they will have a job for me.
If not, maybe Whitehouse London or New York. I obviously am not able to see God's larger plan. I had no idea three months ago that I'd be in LA right now writing this e-mail about how everything is about to go down with Whitehouse LA. What a journey. What a ride.