Divine

I just ate at good stuff... had a california wrap with a banana smoothie and french fries... yummy. California wrap has turkey, bacon, avacado, lettuse, tomatoe, on a spinach tortilla. So good. And, the smoothie is no juice stop, but it's darn good.
Earlier today, I was reading Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard, and I came to an unexpected section where Willard begins to discuss, in detail, some of what Jesus said at the 'Sermon on the Mount'. He was talking about the 'old law' compared to the Kingdom Law (the new era of life that Jesus proclaimed while on earth). For example, he discussed the old law of 'do not kill'. The heart of this is, of course, anger, if indulged, can lead to bad, evil, destructive things. This way of looking at 'do not kill' is the Kingdom Law. He talked a lot about anger and how it works in us, and how it leads to contempt, and how contempt refuels anger, and then, it can lead to malice towards another person.
The whole section really brought a lot of my life to mind... rather made my actions more clear to me. I realized that I've often indulged anger, and I have held contempt and even malice toward other people. It was a powerful chapter to point out many reasons why I get angry the way I do, and point out how our culture embraces anger.
I'm glad I read the chapter and better understand Jesus' sermon on the mount. I highly recommend the book if you want to better understand the sermon, and Jesus' ministry.

-C

Hope?

Who will I be?
What will I be?
I feel like my slate is pretty clean right now; I'm in such a new environment that my patterns haven't shown themselves yet. I don't feel real good about some stuff in my life, but I think having that tension is good. And, when I say stuff in my life, I don't mean behavioral, I mean actual, physical problems in my life... i.e. my car being junk (as of now), not getting paid a whole lot, not really having fellowship, feeling lonely etc. Of course, some of those things I can change, some I can't. Beyond that, I can fill these holes in my life with good things or bad things. Beyond THAT, I probably will make wrong decisions that will need to be changed later on.
When I stop to look at who I am right now, I can't answer. Am I a hard worker? Do I feel passionate about my job? Am I having faith in God as my car seems to get crappier and crappier by the day (slight exageration)? Am I using this seemingly slight valley in my life to lean on God (or on myself)?
I guess right now, I'm saying to myself, "It'll all work out, right?" As in, "God will make my life happy and comfortable, right?" I'm kinda realizing that what God wants is for His Glorious Kingdom to be advanced, for it to come to earth. I can certainly be trying my best to do that regardless of my personal situation. Will my life get 'better' any time soon? I hope so, but my life doesn't have to be going great for me to help advance God's kingdom.
I do have lots of blessings in my life right now. My housing is free and awesome; I have a car that runs, I'm not hungry, I have a job, I like my coworkers, my job is in the film industry, I got my job within three weeks of moving to LA, my family has been very supportive, etc.
It's really just since money came into play (when I purchased my car) that I've started realizing some sourness in my mouth. And that situation does suck, but my life certainly isn't over. Larger picture: I have a bizzillion chances a day to extend God's love to other people, and if I'm in a bad mood about little things, how many MORE of those will I miss?

Ok, here are some things I miss about KS:
1. the light traffic... I thought it was bad on 23rd street on Fridays... it takes me at least a half an hour, usually almost an hour, to get home from work... my office is literally 3 miles from my house.
2. knowing where things are... I don't really know how to get anywhere except by mapquest.
3. being able to drive at high rates of speed on highways at all times of day... again, the traffice causes a lot of stress. I was on a run today on a street called La Brea, and I seriously got stuck at every stop light for about 4 miles... took me 30 min to go 4 miles... and I attribute most of the slowness to the heavy traffic.
4. my friends and family... what an awesome network of support and encouragement they are... and I only get to communicate with them every so often out here in LA, 2 hours behind you all... so sad.

Ok, well, I hope to find out who I am in the coming months. I hope I'm a humble, hard worker who enjoys making people laugh. We'll see what I really am.
-C

Working Life

This is where I work. They edit movie trailers. Maybe you've seen some of their work: Miami Vice, 9/11, All the TV spots for X-Men 3, and many many others. I've been here for one week as of today. Pretty much I get to drive my car around Los Angeles to different movie studios (Fox, Paramount, MGM) and deliver DVDs or tapes of the newest cuts Flyer has made. My job is good, and they buy me lunch every day, and I get to eat breakfast here b/c I get to open the office. But, the 'working' life isn't exactly what I thought it would be:

First, it seems that after my 8 hours of work, I get to come home and do one thing: On Monday, I took a bike ride, Tuesday, I picked up my car from the dealer. Wednesday, I saw a movie. Of course, I get to eat dinner and relax a little, but for the most part, I only get to do one thing after work. That's not quite what I expected.

Second, I get stressed easy. Yesterday, I was at MGM, and I parked in a garage, and as I was trying to leave, the parking attendant was trying to make me pay. He wouldn't buy my story that I was a delivery guy. Well, anyways, I had to go to an ATM and get money, but of course, I forgot my pin number, so I had no way to get cash. I found myself cursing all over the place b/c I was so frustrated. This has also happened as I'm driving my car and it suddenly decides to pop out of gear into some middle ground of 'in gear' and nuetral and starts grinding. I find myself cursing... and seriously enraged. i need to work on this.

Third, As soon as I took the job at Flyer (which is a great job), I was called by Lionsgate Entertainment to come in for an interview as their office intern. Lionsgate has made a lot of great films and that's the kind of place I'd love to end up working. But, that would probably be some sort of a dead end job, and it wouldn't have benefits after 90 days llke Flyer does. But, what surprised me was that as soon as I committed to a job, another one comes up that I'd love to have. I just have to hope that I made the right choice. And I also have to make sure I don't lose sight of my goal (to edit feature films). That can be easy to do if I'm comfortable (after benefits kicks in, I will be more comfortable). I don't really want to end up cutting movie trailers. But, how hard will it be to change jobs if I stay here for the next five, six years and end up being a trailer editor? It may be hard to change and give up my cushy job.

Anyhoo, I guess things are going well on many fronts, but not on the spiritual front. I find myself not comfortable there. I see my failings and the love that I still receive from God. I want to serve people iny community, but I also want to be selfish with my time and not give up any more evenings or weekends that I already am.

Anyhoo, Life is really exciting out here. Every once in a while, I get to relax and smell the coffee. I say, "Hey, I'm in LA, I have a job, and God is my light." Plus the scenery is beautiful with palm trees everywhere, winding Hollywood Hills roads, and a movie star here and there. I'm pretty blessed.
-Collin

Jobs

So, today has been interesting.

First, let me give some context. I moved to Los Angeles on Monday (after actually running out of gas in Utah due to lack of gas stations for a 200 mile stretch (with no signs)). I had two interviews on Wednesday: 1 at a small management company called Management 101. I really loved the guy who conducted my interview... he's really cool. Then I went on to visit Whitehouse Post. There, I had a good time and chatted with some cool producers.

Whitehouse told me to call them if I had anything come up elsewhere. So, sure enough, later that afternoon, I get a call from Jay at Management 101.
Jay-"Hey Collin, I've got some great news!"
Me - "What's up?"
Jay- "I'm offering you the internship!"
Me - "Wow, that's great, I have a few questions about some stuff..."

I had to tell him that I had another option on the table from Whitehouse... although that was mostly wishful thinking. But now I certainly had a job offer (an unpaid, full time, four month internship). So, I told Jay that I had to figure some stuff out with a Post House before I could give him an answer.

Next, I called up Whitehouse (while Josh and I were stuck in rush hour traffic in Santa Monica) and told them I had an offer. They politely told me they'd call me back in the morning. Cool. So, I wait. And wait.
Nothing happens.

Finally as Josh and I are trying to prepare a budget, my phone rings. Whitehouse wants me to come in for an interview with the Executive Producer and one of the Partners.
Instantly, I'm thinking they're going to hire me. I'm going to chat with them for a while, give them affirmation they're making the right decision, then they'll shake my hand and say "Welcome to the company!" and then they'll introduce me to everyone.

All that happened, except for the stuff including and after the hand shake. I just chatted with them for 35 minutes, and then left. A litle crushing, but I'm grateful for the opportunity. I hope they'll call back soon.

In the mean time, I've already declined the management company offer. I just have a feeling that Whitehouse will work out.

And that brings me to something else. While I was in Turkey, just before I wrote my e-mail to Jen at Whitehouse Chicago, I had this feeling in my chest that everything would work out with Whitehouse. It was this extreme peace and satisfaction. Was God promising me a position at Whitehouse? My first response was no b/c Jen replied to my e-mail by saying they didn't have anything for me.
I was crushed. And that little bit of a downer carried all the way over until I got the phone call this afternoon for the real interview with the EP an Partner. God promised that's I'd get a job at Whitehouse, i think, and that promise has carried all through my ups and downs, my faith in that promise and my rejection of that promise. Right now, I'm on an up, a high. I feel that when they call back next, they will have a job for me.
If not, maybe Whitehouse London or New York. I obviously am not able to see God's larger plan. I had no idea three months ago that I'd be in LA right now writing this e-mail about how everything is about to go down with Whitehouse LA. What a journey. What a ride.

Thought X

Pretty exciting stuff happening on the job front today...

I got an e-mail back from a post house that needs a machine room tech guy. I wrote them last night and they must have wrote back really fast, but I didn't get it until a couple hours ago. Anyhoo, they wanted me in for an interview Tuesday (today) at 5:30. That would have been sweet, but obviously I'm in Topeka, KS right now... not exactly all that close to LA. But it's still exciting to get an offer like that... again, it was only an interview, but still pretty exciting.

I purchased a couple of books today... both by Brian McLaren: 1. Missin the Point (co-author Tony Campolo), 2. General Orhodoxy. I'm pretty excited about reading them after I finish Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard. I guess one thing that hit me while skimming those books at Borders was this: Both men in 'Missing the Point' seemed to be saying that relying on Jesus is the center of the Christain faith. How do I rely on Jesus? Is that an arrogent question?

Something cool from 'Missing the Point' was when both authors talked about how a common mishap of Christians (myself included) is to think of life and salvation as the end of 'the journey'. They compared it to all these people running a race, and stopping three or four strided past the start line and celebrating. After a while, the spectators grow tired of watching these people miss the point and they go on to run the race. I'm learning that Jesus' death grants me entrance into heaven, but also communion with God here and now. (this is terribly out of context, but you can read it if you wish... it's the chapter about salvation... one of the first chapters in the book.)

Today, when I was hangin with Dennis, I remembered Oliver Simmons. He's a Jahova's Witness, and has been as long as I can remember (which goes way back to 1st grade btw.) Now, when I think of him, I think of someone who was probably the nicest guy I know... was always so gentle (even though he was a physically strong man) and kind. He hardly ever said anything bad about anyone, was fast to give out compliments, and always seemed to have a smile on his face. From what I'm told to believe, he's part of a cult, and oh yeah, by the way, he's going to burn in hell.
So, this burns me up a bit. I've trusted my life to Jesus. So, I have a place in heaven. But, Oliver seems to be running the race (living life) in a much more life giving way than me. He's doing a much better job of bringing God's kingdom (as far as treating people as Jesus treated people). I guess, when it all comes to head, he still isn't perfect, and niether am I. But, b/c I've trusted my life to Christ, I'm 'saved' and he's not. Hard to swallow, but I guess it sounds more reasonable when I write it out. Trusting your life to Chirst is the key... living life therafter is the hard part. With all the love God has shown me, how come I don't wake up in the morning and say, "How can I share with someone else the love God has given me?" I haven't ever done that throughout a day, and many times I have not even thought about that at all. And, burning in my still, Oliver has done that a lot, maybe intentionally, maybe not, but he's done it. I can testify to that.
Ephesians: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this, not of yourselves, it is a gift from God -- not by works so that no one can boast.
I'm boasting for Oliver. But, can he not have true communion with God b/c he follows a misleading religion? I guess his religion is all based on works.. not observing birthdays, Christmas, school mascots, no drinking alcohol... etc. Maybe he is in to following strict guidelines... but he certainly has a good heart. And I guess I'm distressed there is no hope for him currently.

Today, I met with Katie for lunch. It was fun to laugh and talk and tell stories. She really brings out a fun side of me that's not always present elsewhere. With some of my guy friends, I get a competative attitude, with other girls, I try to hard to impress them... even though they probably don't care. But, with Katie, it's chill. Laughs and smiles are always around. It was a fun couple of hours.

I am leaving this place in just four days... and seeing all these wonderful people makes me sad it's comming so soon.

Out
-C P

Generals

Ok, so things are really moving now. I'm back in KS for a while, then off to the great unknown known as Los Angeles. Some good news is already coming in: Josh has an internship at Scott Free productions which will give him some great experience to list on his resume, plus some great people to impress. I have an interview with Whitehouse on Sept. 12, and I'm looking forward to that. I guess interview may be jumping the gun b/c it may be more of an informational meeting. Either way, I'll get to meet people and hopefully they like me.

As I think more about what's going on... like what I'm really doing right now, the more I realize that I need to be focused on what it is exactly I want to do. I can't just take some job anywhere b/c that's not going to help me in the long run, necessarily. What if I take a job at a company that edits American Idol, but what I actually want to do is edit feature films... then I may just be stuck editing something I have never wanted to do. While that wouldn't be the end of the world, it wouldn't be using what I feel is my passion.

I hope I can do some more research and figure out exactly where I want to work and the pathway I need to take to get there... maybe a lot of that is God and His direction, and maybe I have to seek to be able to find, knock to have the door opened etc... (not in a salvation sense, but a desire sense.)

On a major side note, I did get a rough cut of Birth Control done, and it's awesome.. except for the audio problems... all minor in nature -- it's just that there's lots of minor problems. Josh and I screened it at Chicago Filmmakers last Saturday and had a blast with Katie and Dan and the rest of the cast/crew. I had much fun displaying all their hard work to them.

Peace out!
-Collin

Thought 4

Check it out:
My mom was so troubled by my money situation a couple of nights ago that she got up out of bed and began to make a budget for me based on a $25,000 a year salary. Okay, if i'm making 25 k, that's $2,000/month, and if rent and utilities are $550 a month, which is possible, then my loan payments are $800 a month, that's $1350, minus 200-300/month for church, save/spend the rest... I can do it. I'm saving $200/month and still able to see a movie or go on a date or something.
I guess if you were my mom, you'd be thinking the same thing as her... and I guess she's not realling thinking much.... she's just more or less worried about my situation. I understand. I'm sure you would too if you knew where I stand financially.

All in all, though, I'm pretty sure I will be sucessful in LA. A job will open up at a Post house and all will be gravy from there. Maybe Birth Control will get optioned, or Josh will meet some people and ask me to be a part of his success.
The money things just doesn't scare me. Maybe I'm ignorant of what's going to happen, maybe I'll get a real big wake up call in LA, and I'll be all stressed and worried all the time about money.
Or maybe sucess waits for me in LA and I need to be able to see over all these obsticals right now so I'll be confident enough to go.
I'm really excited.

Thought 3

Does God want me to go to LA?

I don't know. If He wants me to go, then I'm just His pawn doing exactly what He wants. Or, I'm in direct disobedience by moving my life in this direction if He doesn't want me to go.
Tonight, Jeff brought up a little slogan that I'm not sure I buy at all, but it's worth digging into:
Master
Mate
Mission
The basic of this is to lay out a guideline for priorities in life. Master is God, then my wife (or future wife), and then my line of work. "Follow mate above mission because God can change your mission." I think this slogan or catch phrase kind of falls apart though when I try to apply it to my life. Ok, so I'm doing my mission by going to LA and finding a job in the film industry. Then I essentially break up with my girlfriend by moving to a different city. I'm putting mission above mate. What about all our conversations in May about her possibly wanting to be single, all my dealings with trying to make her feel pursued, all our lack of face time?
Jeff also said this: "It's a lot easier to steer when the ship is moving."
I'm obviously moving right now. I guess I'm just not sure that God wants me to go to LA. I think I'm sure, but there has been doubt raised in my mind.
As hard as it may be, I want to have open hands and an open heart as I come before God with this.

Back to what I said earlier, I don't think I'm God's pawn. I also don't think that God doesn't care about the situation at all. He knows me and knows what's best for me. Right now am I following my own ambitions, or something God knows is good for me?
Again, I hope and pray that my hands are open, and that I will listen.
I want to make my hand open, and my heart open. I want to let go of the promises I've made already and just come before God (this Wonderful, Awesome, Unfathomable being who is so much more than I understand right now, who knows me perfectly right now, and may or may not know what's going to happen to me in the next few weeks.) I trust Him and I love that I can.
Guide me, give me affirmation, and I will follow with all my heart, Lord.
Psalm 37:23-24
The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
And He delights in his way.
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
No, it's not every step that I take, God is like, "Oh, look at that, I'm going to bless him."
He's not that impersonal or ammused by me.
It's quite the opposite: I say, "Wow, it looks like God is moving there, I want to be a part of that." Yet, at the same time, He knows me perfectly. I don't really know what that means. I just don't want to get too big on myself here... God is so big and is doing so much everywhere, including in my life, that I can't reasonably say, "God, like, where should I go and stuff?" I think God says, "I am here. I am doing this."

I don't want to fall headlong in LA if I go. I want the Lord to be guiding me. To do that, I need to actually give this up and test it and pray about it. The boat is moving, now it's time to make sure it's being steered in the right direction.

Past : Future (Thought 2)

Saddness : Excitement

leaving my parents and grandparents:
not dating Sonja b/c we never lived in the same city:
my dear friends in Chicago:
a city i am comfortable in:
snow:
the less complicated life of sports and going to college:
visiting my lovely Kansas every three months:
9am basketball with my buddies:
rudy's pizza:

:a chance to do what I think I'm made to do

I was talking with Josh today and I said to him, "You know, it feels like the whole LA thing kinda happened to me... like I don't have much choice about it, but it fell in my lap and it was done right then." Josh compared it to maybe being like when we learn about God and what He's done for us... before you learn about it, it's pretty easy to deny it or live in partial/full ignorance of the grace and glory of God. Once you learn about it... man, what are you supposed to do? How can you turn that down?
I don't know if I'd put this on the same level as that, but maybe I would. Here is a choice that I can't turn down, that I won't turn down or let go, and I never want to, or feel like that not going is an option.
Why?
I can see what's behind me, the wake of my life. It's beautiful. The colors are beautiful in a subtle but really intricate way. I can't see what's in front of me, and I'm okay with that. The ship (the sea, the sky, each particle that keeps the boat even floating) is beyond me, bigger than me, and I love that.

Thought 1

Los Angeles has, for at least the past five or six years, been a dream of mine. I think I've rationalized not going to LA in different ways in the recent past. I've used excuses like it being too far away or too expensive. I've changed what I think is my life goal (making films) to editing TV commercials or working with small business, or joining a media team for a church. Those are good options in general. They are not my dream, however.
I remember after my softmore year at Columbia, I was visiting with my production I teacher before the start of the Fall '04 semester. She asked me what I wanted to do with my career (Production I is kind of a milestone... if you make it past that class and you still want to work on films, you are in good shape) and I answered that I wanted to edit Hollywood films. Bluntly, she asked, "Why aren't you in Hollywood?"
I couldn't answer that. If that was my dream, why wasn't I pursuing it?
I remember it scared me when I couldn't answer it... I didn't know why I was in Chicago.
I think a lot happened in Chicago that is essential to who I am now.
I also think the education I received and lessons learned from being in Chicago have affected me. Growth.
Now, it's time to move on. Chicago : Los Angeles

Los Angeles,

I hope to do a series of postings in the next few days describing what I'm feeling and thinking as I prepare to head off to LA in about a month.

Hold me to it if you'd like.
I think it would benefit me and, if you're interested, you.